Tag Archives: writing

Am I sitting in a recliner on my husband’s patio?

Yes.

Was the recliner always there? No, I just moved it because patio chairs are universally uncomfortable and I want to be comfy as fuck right now.

Am I wearing storm trooper socks? Yes. They are at target in case anyone is interested.

This is heavenly.

Today is Friday and I am in South Africa with my dogs and hot husband. Well, he’s at work. In any other time and place during my adult life, I would have been working. I’m actually mildly petrified about not working. Not working leaves a whole lot of time for me to think, which means I am really good at it in the worst way possible.

You may be asking yourself, “Well, why don’t you work?” The answer, as with all things in my life, is complicated. I am taking some extended leave and going back to my other job every sixty days. Teleworking wasn’t an option and being apart from hot husband was probably going to give one of us a nervous breakdown (by one of us, I think we can all agree, I mean me). I love working, but I wasn’t happy and we are financially stable enough to afford this situation temporarily.

I am probably on the cusp of taking a two year leave of absence because hoorah, marine corps. Part of me has a sinking feeling about this, but the other part thinks that maybe it’s time for some changes. Or something different. Maybe its time to do the things I want to do. All those things I put off or didn’t do because I was focused on work.

So, I made a list and I’m going to do the things I want to do. Except go shopping because let’s face it I have a minor obsession with clothes and shoes. And stuff.

Sometimes it’s not even big stuff. It’s just putting the recliner on the patio because I can. Or insert any other thing you want to do here. Write. Photograph. Go see things. Eat good food. Have fun.

I know this is coming from a place of privilege. I know many people do not have this option. I am lucky. I also need some time to figure out who I want to be when I grow up separate from the ideas of others.

#yolo

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Why can I hear you thinking?

I’ve decided I need to work in a noise proof bubble. 

Or maybe I’m just annoyed. 

So here is a list of things that make me want to claw my eyes out

1. Computer Folders with one file in them.

1a. Computer Folders with 100 files in them that have one document in each file.

2. People who inquire as to why I don’t want to do doggie play dates. BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE. 

3. Not being able to pump my own gas. (Gas pump attendants insist in the Former Soviet Union)

4. Drivers who pass 5 cars only to wait and want to merge.

5. Dog food packaging when bought online

6. When my husband asks me 50 questions before 9am and then he’s like y so cranky? Oh, you haven’t had your coffee. Yes. THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ME EVERY MORNING.

7. Being hot unless I’m working out

8. Individuals who insist on creating problems at 5 pm on Friday. 

9. Reply alls to emails that you aren’t supposed to reply all to.

10. Quotes after signature lines in emails.

11. The incorrect use of an ellipsis. 

12. Having an unbalanced house temperature. I, clearly, know this is an easy problem to have, but once again I am annoyed so I don’t care. 

13. Articles entitled “I did *this* for thirty days and this happened.” In the last year, I estimate there have been too many articles entitled this and it needs to end. I know you are trying to get readership, but jesus.

14. Any post on social media that says “one like = beautiful.” 

15.  Unilateral generational statements. Sure, there are certain trends for generations, but trash talking an entire generation of people is petty. “Are you a millenial? I’ve always wanted to meet a millenial!” Stop. 

16. Articles about saving extra money “by using these tips.” I love saving money so this is my own fault, but can anyone think of something more than: bring your lunch!; go out less!; stop going to by coffee so much. 

17. People who are like “I’m a mom with a bodybuilder physique so what’s your excuse? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT?” Listen, that’s great. But everyone doesn’t need to be like you. Stop shaming people for your own personal gratification. 

18. Uncomfortable underwear

19. Unrelated reponses to posts. Picture of Cartoon. Person responds in comments “how are you?”

20. People making the reference that I should just go get a job in the local coffee shop where my husband is stationed so that I can have a job. Even though that is: 1. Practically impossible because there is not a full bilateral work agreement where he is stationed and 2. Its just a shitty thing to “jokingly” imply. 

*mic drop* 

P.S. If you got this far, I appreciate the patience. Apparently I needed to get a lot off my chest. 

The value of being alone

I’m sitting on the steps next to the palatul naţional eating a magnum ice cream cone and drinking seltzer water. 

Geographically speaking, I am generally without human interaction during my spare time. Although, when you have two dogs I don’t know if you can really say you’re alone. Animals being living beings and all. 

For the purposes of this post, I’ll focus on the whole human to human interaction bit. The hot fiance is on another continent and skype makes it easy to see each other everyday and we are in the same time zone, so our schedules are similar. But, when I leave the comforts of home to go to a restaurant or other things, he can’t come with me. 

We have been apart for two years on May and there were alot of times I felt trapped in my house living in a foreign country with not alot of the language and the hot fiance in Pakistan.

So when I came to Moldova I tried to become more comfortable doing recreational things alone. And I’m generally happy left to my own devices anyway. I just needed to transplant that happiness to activities outside the house. 

Now, you may be saying, “why don’t you just make friends.” And my only response would be that I have some aquantiances and I enjoy them on occasion, but I would wager that fifty percent of the ability to make friends is having a demographic that fits your own available to you.  And even if it is, I’ve never been a friend magnet anyway. 

I’ve strayed from my point, but learning to do enjoyable things on your own is a good experience. You are the only person in your life that’s never going to leave. Figuring out how to enjoy your own company is not a bad thing. Going to restaurants or events alone isn’t as scary as you think it is. Sometimes you might feel like you are being judged, but really no one cares.

So, have an adventure. 

I feel like rhyming

She’ll never be a waif.
Her mind will never be safe.
She won’t let you save face,
Or bow out with grace.

God forbid, you think she’s a charity case.
In silence, there will be no space.

Waves and waves on days and dies

No forgiveness when she cries.
Only thoughts that conspire,
Ire upon ire.
And tho’ you’ll tire.

Oh, she demurs
The way she purrs
a thought occurs

There’s no life even when she screams “CUR”

Creativity vs Depression

I’m currently between two extremes:

  1. Massive Creative Mania
  2. Kinda want to wrap myself in depression’s blanket 

I’m sure it would help if I slept like a normal person. Don’t get me wrong, my sleep issues don’t have me up at all hours like they did in 2012-2013.  Mostly, I have trouble shutting down my brain to get to sleep, staying asleep, and then I have insane dreams that either leave me vastly confused about WTF is going on in my brain or upset about the emotional conflict that my brain made up.

Sidenote: I once thought there was a medication that stopped dreams. There is not.

I could deal with the sleep thing if I had benadryl – but I’m all out until my amazon order (Go to the store, you say.  They don’t have it here) comes in. Which is fine, I can hack it until then. Probably.

I feel like I am stuck between two extremes: wanting to do everything and wanting to do nothing.  The internal arguments between the Lindsay’s are particularly interesting and go something like this:

Artistic L: I NEED A GRAPHIC DESIGN APP. 
Depressed L: I’m tired
Artistic L: WE SHOULD WRITE THIS STORY
Depressed L: I want to sleep
Artistic L: AND HERE IS ANOTHER IDEA FOR OUR WRITING 
Depressed L: are you always this loud?
Anxiety: I have to pee 

How do you manage the extremes?  And well the anxiety doesn’t know what to do, so we are currently in the midst of a mental cold war.

And because the creative one is on hyperdrive – I created the below as a compromise.

BeFunky Design2.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

The Pros and Cons of the Magical Mental Chainsaw Shutdown

Its been a grand total of 3 days since I decided to disable the dream killing factory in my brain in a weird attempt to embrace the unknown. By current estimates, there are four lindsay’s living in my brain shouting about how their idea is the BEST IDEA that ever EXISTED in the entire 29 year history.
Whilst living through this mania, I’ve been moderately productive and pretty creative. I just have too many ideas for one body. In the spirit of sharing, here’s what I have accomplished:

1. Traversed, at a variety of speeds including being dragged forward by my two dogs, almost 15 miles out of 730 miles.
2. Still working on weebly website (this one)
3. Opened society6 shop and did some designs.
PLUG ALERT: You can check out my society six store here and get 15% off with free shipping on the entire society six site (not just my store).
Link:https://society6.com/organizeddysfunction?promo=GGK4T783Q7WR

Store name: Organized Dysfunction
RESUMING REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
I have more ideas I am writing down so I don’t lose them and just when I think I’m on to something BAM another idea or path or option. This is why I can never decide what to buy people for gifts. With my magical mental chainsaw, I would just kill the idea with self doubt and critical logic. However, my MMC (see what I did there) serves a purpose of keeping me from falling off the deep end of the idea abyss.

I guess my point is, I need to turn my MMC into a magical mental masseuse. The alliteration. Kills me. No, really. I need to massage my ideas. Sounds
gross, though.