Tag Archives: rants

I’m fine, I’d just like to slam my head into a wall repeatedly

I feel as though saying that is more socially acceptable then saying I’d like to stab someone.  Because that, my friends, is a felony.  And, I’m not even particularly interested in stabbing one person.  It’s more like I’m cranky as fuck right now and the internet is being so goddamn slow that I want to throw my computer.

I should not be cranky right now.  I just got back from a weekend in cape town.  It was wonderful.  You should go. Totally worth it.

But I am cranky.  My eyeballs feel like someone has been scraping them with a lemon peeler and I just want to binge watch something awful all day and crawl into a tiny, well-air conditioned cave and hide until I feel less like a rage-y asshole.

AND IT’S OK THAT I’M CRANKY AND IRRITABLE BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN BEING AND I AM ALLOWED TO HAVE MY FEELINGS AS LONG AS I DON’T ACT LIKE A FLOPPY CUNT TO EVERYONE. I had to write that in caps for reasons I cannot explain.  Imagine me saying is slowly (and actually enunciating).  I wasn’t yelling.  I haven’t exactly succeeded in not being a floppy cunt, but I feel as though I’m making a valiant effort to be a not-shitty person.

I think this is happening for the following reasons:

1. I had a full weekend of activity
2. I haven’t been alone since Friday
3. Pretty sure my uterus is going to subvert me in the next ten days so I feel violently unattractive in addition to being cranky (along with all the other really pleasant feelings that come with it like changing my clothes eight times because nothing feels good).

(side note: Moxy is on the floor curled up like a baby in the fetal position which is possibly the cutest thing besides that baby goat the other day).  Can I get a photo?

Sorry, guys, I tried but she moved.)

There wasn’t a point here other than to vent out some of the pent up anger.

If you got this far, you’re a champ.

 

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Can I just start telling people I don’t want to talk to them because their entire being makes me anxious?

Have you ever met someone that literally makes your internal anxiety organ twitch? Not a slight twitch either – like a full on muscle spasm?

I meet people like that sometimes and I feel as though I should have a universal pass that says:

Picture1
my calling card

Personally, I’d like to think they’d be so caught off guard my clear lack of understanding of human anatomy that they’d wouldn’t notice as I try to melt into the closest wall.  But, they might believe the anxio-brachial organ exists.  Does it sound official enough? Someone let me know.

While we are at it,  invisibility is really something I have to work on.  Every once in a blue moon, I have days where I wake up and say, “You know what! I feel fancy today.  I would like to be noticed.” Without fail, two hours later someone does that exact thing.  Except the exact thing is a man on the street groping you.  The universe basically said ‘Fuck you” and I went back to hiding in my house.  Or under my desk.  Or in my bed.  Or hiding behind a food stand, because I saw someone from work and my first instinct is to run in the other direction.  My survival instincts are clearly intact even if they are usually flawed in logic.  I have a great penchant for hiding from people I don’t want to see, but then I ignore a bladder infection for three days for no reason and don’t tell anyone.  When I kick the bucket, it’s going to be for ignoring something strange and some person will find my body 6 days later.  The autopsy will show something mundane and everyone will be confused and suspect fowl play.  Flowers of Lys, I say (GoT reference).

I’m not sure how I spun that paragraph to end with me dead, but oh well.  The entire point of this post which I’ve done a great job deviating from is that some people make the anxio-meter go up 100 points and I’d like a pass in dealing with them.  Inevitably, I fumble and they freak out because usually they are people in some kind of position of power (shocking, I know) and then I spend three hours trying figure out how to ask them a question or re-type an email 85 times.

You know who I really need those cards for, though.  Those people in the mall who want to stop and talk to you about your skin.  Also, god. Anyone in a mall stand who accosts you instead of following the WELL KNOWN RULE THAT NO ONE WANTS YOUR HELP THEY JUST WANT TO SHOP QUIETLY WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF SOCIAL INTERACTION POSSIBLE.  Wait, is that just me?

 

 

No, pet shipper you are incorrect

I am trying to ship my dogs to South Africa and let me just say shipping dogs is still a pain in the ass.

However, its not a pain in the ass because its difficult. Its a pain in the ass, because I keep talking to people who know nothing about dog shipping or think I know nothing about it which is fair. I know many companies deal with people that have no idea how to ship dogs, but I’ve done this three times. Its not my first rodeo. 

As I have to use a pet shipper to import my dofs to south africa and a cargo company to fly my dogs, I have spent much of the last month talking to people about my dogs. The person I am using to import my dogs to south africa is great. He clearly does this all the time and is an expert which is why I am happy to give him all my mineu. However, trying to get my dogs out of Moldova and in the air is proving difficult. Yesterday, a company told me that they could only fly my dogs out of moldova one way through Romania which would have been ok if they were willing to work with me on driving the dogs to the airport in Romania, but they were like no we can’t do that. I know it’s difficult because we have small planes in Moldova – but I know that there’s more than one way to move animals.  

Any company that says there is just one way to get dogs out of a country is usually wrong. Maybe not, but they are wrong in this case and it irritated me. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s not really their wrongness as much as their inability to look at this problem from a different perspective. That’s usually something that bothers me about having to pay someone for something I know I can figure out but I need them to do something simple like book a ticket. 

But, I think I finally found a company through Turkish cargo that will give me the flight stuff I need to get the dogs there. 

All in the name of love. And family. And trying to get back to this guy. 

I am reminded someone who once told me, “you can have anything you want, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy.”

Why can I hear you thinking?

I’ve decided I need to work in a noise proof bubble. 

Or maybe I’m just annoyed. 

So here is a list of things that make me want to claw my eyes out

1. Computer Folders with one file in them.

1a. Computer Folders with 100 files in them that have one document in each file.

2. People who inquire as to why I don’t want to do doggie play dates. BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE. 

3. Not being able to pump my own gas. (Gas pump attendants insist in the Former Soviet Union)

4. Drivers who pass 5 cars only to wait and want to merge.

5. Dog food packaging when bought online

6. When my husband asks me 50 questions before 9am and then he’s like y so cranky? Oh, you haven’t had your coffee. Yes. THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ME EVERY MORNING.

7. Being hot unless I’m working out

8. Individuals who insist on creating problems at 5 pm on Friday. 

9. Reply alls to emails that you aren’t supposed to reply all to.

10. Quotes after signature lines in emails.

11. The incorrect use of an ellipsis. 

12. Having an unbalanced house temperature. I, clearly, know this is an easy problem to have, but once again I am annoyed so I don’t care. 

13. Articles entitled “I did *this* for thirty days and this happened.” In the last year, I estimate there have been too many articles entitled this and it needs to end. I know you are trying to get readership, but jesus.

14. Any post on social media that says “one like = beautiful.” 

15.  Unilateral generational statements. Sure, there are certain trends for generations, but trash talking an entire generation of people is petty. “Are you a millenial? I’ve always wanted to meet a millenial!” Stop. 

16. Articles about saving extra money “by using these tips.” I love saving money so this is my own fault, but can anyone think of something more than: bring your lunch!; go out less!; stop going to by coffee so much. 

17. People who are like “I’m a mom with a bodybuilder physique so what’s your excuse? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT?” Listen, that’s great. But everyone doesn’t need to be like you. Stop shaming people for your own personal gratification. 

18. Uncomfortable underwear

19. Unrelated reponses to posts. Picture of Cartoon. Person responds in comments “how are you?”

20. People making the reference that I should just go get a job in the local coffee shop where my husband is stationed so that I can have a job. Even though that is: 1. Practically impossible because there is not a full bilateral work agreement where he is stationed and 2. Its just a shitty thing to “jokingly” imply. 

*mic drop* 

P.S. If you got this far, I appreciate the patience. Apparently I needed to get a lot off my chest.