Tag Archives: rant

Sometimes Depression is Annoying as Fuck.

I feel like no one talks about how annoying depression can be as the person experiencing it.  More often we talk about how we don’t want to be treated during a depressive episode.  Or, how people can be shitty during a depressive episode.

But, I just want to put out there that my depression annoys the shit out of me 90% of the time.  I want to hit Depressed Lindsay with a tire iron.

Ok, so that was violent and uncalled for. Good job, self.

These feelings just pop the fuck up like I don’t already have stuff to do and inconvenience the shit out of me.  Like a bunch of paper-cuts on my brain.  And, I currently have a paper-cut under my thumbnail so I feel like I’m an expert in this field.

If people think it’s confusing because you are randomly leaking from your eyeballs – imagine how I feel.  I don’t even know why I am crying right now.  I CAN’T EVEN LOGICALLY EXPLAIN THIS TO MYSELF – HOW CAN I EXPRESS MY FEELINGS TO ANOTHER LIVING HUMAN?

And then, you have to expend all this extra effort to get out of bed, shower, and leave the house – because apparently being a hermit is not socially acceptable. I’ve been aware of this “hey, lets just melt into a puddle of violent self loathing and sadness,” for about 5 years.

It’s like going to a really terrible state fair – all the rides are the same and literally everything is gray. Sad Ferris wheel. Sad tea cup ride. Uber jolt-y kid roller coaster. Moist funnel cake, with a side of shit lemonade.  I expend all this energy trying to leave this awful fair, but it takes FOR FUCKING EVER because all the exits are blocked.  So, I ride these rides and go through the motions until I can get out.

It sucks. And, I’m annoyed by it. The end.

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There are some feelings that only trudging 9 miles can solve

I’ve been running into a lot of life’s little (shitty) roadblocks lately.

And it makes me want to punch walls.

1. A crappy hotel that I paid far too much money for.

2. The inability to get a changed paasport through my husband’s job (its a long story that’s too complicated to explain).

3. $2000 in vet bills so that I can take my dogs to south africa. Plus $4700 to move the dogs. (Yes, I know I made the choice to go to South Africa in the name of love and family but I can still internally freak out about the cost).

4. The lab estimating the amount of blood they needed wrong after I left Virginia to come to North Carolina. So I had to call several vets to see who could do this barrage of tests only to be met with confusion.

4. Continued uncertainty about life after next May.

This makes me, clearly, miserable to be around.

As such, I went for a walk this evening and ended up trudging nine miles to work myself out.

Unfortunately, now I’m still awake at midnight. But at least I’m less angry.

Cheers to all the people out there trying to work shit out when life sledgehammers your plans into a billion pieces.

So, how’s married life?

This is a rant

I feel like this question is similar to:

“So, how’s it feel to be one year older?”

Well, sir. I feel completely different compared to yesterday! It’s amazing! Things are so different! I’m so glad you asked. 

I’m sure I might feel different if above-mentioned marriage meant that I was in the same country as hot husband. Or same continent. 

But we aren’t. I’m patiently waiting for my name change paperwork and the final marriage certificate, so I can change things…like life insurance beneficiaries. Yea, that’s going to make me feel different.

I like being able to say husband. And I’m still shocked they let us get married. But my other half is still on the other side of a video screen.

And if anyone says, “well at least you have video chat.” Yes, thank you. I am keenly aware that the technological advances have helped me simulate normal relationship activities for two years. If I wanted to look at the bright side, I would have an hour ago when I was crying in my shower. 

You know what else gets me? All these dude who are like: 

So what’s your name now?

Bro. It has been a week. Do you know how much paperwork and shit you have to do to change your name? And, you are asking me about this while we are standing in Moldova.  So, really? 

Then my hot husband, he who I love and cherish says this:

“What’s so hard about deciding what to change your name?”

I don’t think hot husband really thought this question through. My internal response was:

“$:&/_)$$ it’s my name!”

Also, its a dickton of paperwork. And I feel like I always get stuck with the paperwork. Paperwork to get married. Paperwork to get a marriage license. Paperwork to change my name. 

Meanwhile, every dude I meet asks me how married life is or what my name is now. 

So, in answer to the question of the hour:

Its a pain in the ass. 

The end.