Tag Archives: mentalhealth

There are some feelings that only trudging 9 miles can solve

I’ve been running into a lot of life’s little (shitty) roadblocks lately.

And it makes me want to punch walls.

1. A crappy hotel that I paid far too much money for.

2. The inability to get a changed paasport through my husband’s job (its a long story that’s too complicated to explain).

3. $2000 in vet bills so that I can take my dogs to south africa. Plus $4700 to move the dogs. (Yes, I know I made the choice to go to South Africa in the name of love and family but I can still internally freak out about the cost).

4. The lab estimating the amount of blood they needed wrong after I left Virginia to come to North Carolina. So I had to call several vets to see who could do this barrage of tests only to be met with confusion.

4. Continued uncertainty about life after next May.

This makes me, clearly, miserable to be around.

As such, I went for a walk this evening and ended up trudging nine miles to work myself out.

Unfortunately, now I’m still awake at midnight. But at least I’m less angry.

Cheers to all the people out there trying to work shit out when life sledgehammers your plans into a billion pieces.

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I was going to write about self-care then I stabbed myself in the eye with a toothbrush

Hello. 

As you may know, self-care is important. Today, in an effort to feel less like death warmed over, I decided I was going to put on a dress, do my makeup, and take myself out to lunch. 

Everything was going well until I looked at my face from another light source. I had done my makeup and went out onto my balcony to make sure I looked ok. I did not. I looked like that drunk white girl at a frat party who was stumbling about telling everyone how much she loves everyone. She’s annoying. Her face is falling off and her chaperone needs to come get her. 

(I can’t claim to be that different because I get drunk and tell people I love their eyebrows. In my defense, fancy eyebrows might as well be art.)

Anywho, I tried to fix it. Changing lipstick or toning it down. I only proceeded to turn into the drunk aunt with drifting lipstick. (Or that one time at the ball where I drank tooo much gin then got belligerent. I’m sorry hot husband.)

Not to self: GIN DOES NOT SAVE LIVES
So while de-makeuping I was brushing my eyebrows out with a tooth brush which is separate from my actual tooth brush and somehow stabbed myself in the eyeball.

When I say that I would rather go blind then ever feel that again I’m not joking. That shit felt like getting an angry tattoo on my cornea. 

My eye still hurts and its been an hour.  

So I can’t talk to you about liking yourself today. I dont like myself at all. But, collectively, we should hate ourselves a bit less. Even if you fail at becoming an instagram level make up artist. Maybe its not so much even liking yourself as it is accepting yourself in your current state.

So, here is an effort to hash out the things that make me weird and awesome. You should make a list too, because I bet you’re wicked cool. 

1. One of my eyelids droops more than the other. And if I’m tired or drinking it’s even worse.

2. Pretty sure my lips are uneven. Also I’m pretty sure I get lipstick on my teeth MORE THAN ANYONE. JESUS CHRIST.

3. I have scars on my knees that look like bruises. They are all from tripping over my own feet which leads me to my next point.

4. I’m pigeon toed as a motherfucker

Ignore everything else and look at my feet in this picture.

AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

5.  My lip hair has gotten darker in recent years so I have to try and make it look like I’m stashe-less in makeup. For some reason that just makes it worse. 

6. I’ve been overweight most of my life except for a handful of times. I’m overweight right now, but I work out and try to be healthy. I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself that I don’t need to be a certain weight. 

7. I hate bras. I’d rather freeboob life. I don’t really care if my nips bother you

8. My feet remind me of when the Beast from beauty and the beast gets turned back to a human at the end. 

Yea, that guy. Actually in pretty much all of his lower body is me. 

9. I get rando dark hairs in strange places. Not to sound cliche, but I blame the entire French Canadian side of the family.

10. I legitimately have a hereditary mole on my ass. Yes. I shit you not (PUN). Three generations.

11. I suck at every sport except running and maybe yoga. When I was on sports teams, I was generally the resident fuck up.  Zero coordination. 

12. I tap my head when I have a panic attack. 

13. When I cry, I get snot everywhere. Its like my body is producing phlegm just for fun. Hot husband has gotten alot of snot on him. 

14.  I hate spandex underwear. They give me wedgies because of my big ass. 

15. I’m obsessed with my hair. For this reason, I literally can’t stop buying shampoo. Its an addiction. I have like five different kinds not including conditioner. WHY DO I FALL FOR THE MARKETING PLOYS EVERY SINGLE TIME?

In closing, I hope this brightens your day and makes you laugh. I’m going to continue eating this hummus thats going to my ass. 

For the bad days

I’ve been experiencing a lot of mental ups and downs lately except the downs are in the depths of glacial hell. 

Because I like lists and I’m in a great mood at the moment (because its pizza day yo) here are some helpful tips when you feel like crawling in a hole or taking up permanent residence in your bed.

1. Pizza is worth sticking around for along with a varied list of food that depends on your personal preference. 

2. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. I guarantee that there is someone out there you probably know who feels as shitty as you do right now. Probably for different reasons, but still solidarity on bad days is important.

3. Animals on the internet are pretty great even if you are sobbing and have snot all over your face. 

4. You are good at a heckin lot of stuff. Like being you. NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN BE YOU AS GOOD AS YOU.  

5. The demonic life storm cloud is not bigger than you. It feels bigger. It looks bigger. You may get struck by lightning. Or experience a tornado. But, you can totally handle this. Besides, maybe the lightning will bring out your superpowers. 

6. Eventually all the things that got you all twisted up inside will stop feeling as bad. It probably won’t stop completely ever…But a dull ache is usually better than the intense stabbing pains in your chest. 

7. Rainbows, fireworks (minus the noise), shiny things, shoes, cookies, fluffy pillows, fleece blankets, hugs from a designated list of individuals, seashells, dogs and kids are all relatively cool even when you are stuck in a pit of dispair 

Also goats in pajamas

I think that’s all I got right now. So, screw everyone who says you have to be positive and look on the bright side. It’s hard to look on the brightside when you may get struck by proverbial lightning but it may add and extra zing to the pepperoni on your pizza. Sometimes, embracing our pain is the way through it. 

Cooking topless and other things you should try alone

Post workout yesterday I found myself cooking topless because I was doing laundry and it was a quite a gratifying experience. Then I started to make a mental list of things I enjoy about being the only human in my house right now. 

1. Cooking topless. You may have cooked sans pants because that’s more socially normal but I have to stay cooking sans shirt can be quite pleasant. How often do your boobs get to experience freedom? 

2. Watching bad movies sans other human judgement. I love bad romantic movies. I hate when people ruin them with their peasant opinions.

3. Eating alone in a restaurant. As someone with a number of painful anxieties, you would think eating alone would be awful. But its great. I don’t have to worry about sharing or people just wanting appetizers or thinking that I eat like a cow. The wait staff always seems nicer and I can play on my phone or read. It’s great. 

4. Tourism is great when you are alone. No talking, no planning. You kind of just decide to go and no one has to know. You dont even have to pack snacks if you don’t want to. Sometimes I just randomly go to a historical place and its great. Except right now because its cold and snowy.

5. Ok I’m back to food again but when you are alone no one is going to hate on your weird food combos. Like two weeks ago I ate frozen peas and raw brussel sprouts for dinner. I’m not sure whether that’s depression or freeing but no one was going to complain about it either.

6.  Sitting in your car alone is pretty great too. You can listen to music, read, or kind of just hang out. You can hang out in a car with very few people without it getting weird. I write in the car.

7. Ugly laughing is much more fun in the privacy of the alone cone. Explaining to another human why I find fat cats so hilarious is never as funny to another person as it is to me. 

I mean, how can you not love that. 

8. Taking weird selfies. Can’t do the below with another human around

9. Dog shaming isn’t nearly as fun when another human is around to be all like stoppppp

10. I find hair styling videos and cake making videos mesmerizing. You simply cannot watch those with another human and truly relax. 

I can’t trust my brain at least forty-five percent of the time.

Maybe more. It depends on what time of day it is. January has her claws latched into me and I just calculated how to spend less on my caffeine addiction without having to change my consumption. Then I unsubscribed from like forty emails which was oddly gratifying. 

Whereas a week ago I was all idea mania, the logical one is trying to pick up the pieces and make adult decisions so we aren’t broke. Idea mania wants to give all her money away. The logical one is trying to figure out stock trading. And I am just trying to exist in the neutral zone. Or somewhere in the middle. Or somewhere not inside my brain. 

See, I never really know who is right between the various versions of myself. Maybe they are all right in some way.

I’m trying to let them both have turns without letting either do anything too crazy. I guess this is what parenthood is like. Or marriage. 

But, the hot fiance evens me out when I really need it. He may just have to hide the internet from me on occasion. 

Look at him. So pretty.

 

I’m just here to see the dog

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I have anxiety.

Socially speaking, it is probably the worst. However, I try to be better about it and that is what counts.

I went to a party a few days ago and I have to admit – my sole motivator was seeing the dog. I have two dogs at home.

See below:

So, really I do not need to leave the house to pet dogs but I need a motivator to propel me into social situations and the idea of hanging out with a dog is generally enough to get me to leave the comfort of my bed fort. Cats and kids are also good motivators. Food is not because then I eat my feelings.

That’s the thing I’ve learned about combatting anxiety is I have to make myself uncomfortable so it gets less hard time. I can’t say that some things (parties) ever get super easy but sometimes I end up enjoying myself.

As such, here is a list of ways I try to make myself go do things

1. Set a time limit

2. Have an exit plan

3. Reward yourself

4. Pet the dog

5. Make it a game

I can’t add a wingman to the list because although comforting it becomes a crutch I use and then I feel like a lost puppy. I still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that, actually.

Usually if I’m feeling extra twitchy I last about an hour then I try and disappear. I’ve found by disappearing you are less likely to get hounded by well meaning nice people on your way out.

(On my society6 shop – Organized Dysfunction)

You know what else makes me twitchy?

Having to get gas for the car. Only overseas though because in all there countries I’ve lived they pump for you so then you have to talk to them in a different language. So I spend alot of my time with gas light on. You’d think that would be the thing to give me anxiety.