Tag Archives: emotionalhealth

Sometimes the hill just sucks

Today, I ran a 10k. I wasn’t incredibly fast today, but I had those semi-philosophical thoughts that occur when running up A BIG FUCKING HILL IN THE SUN WHEN ITS 90 DEGREES.

1. Sometimes, in life, we go through periods where it’s just an obscenely large hill that doesn’t seem to end. This hill sucks. However, you have to climb the hill. You don’t have to like the hill. You can be angry at the hill. You can tell to go fuck itself, but really at the end that hill has to be dealt with.

2. It does not matter how fast you climb the hill. It does not matter how fast others climb the hill. This hill is your hill. No other hills will be like your hill. Get up your hill and stop worrying about everyone else’s.

3. The hill sucks but given that you’ll be spending massive amounts of quality time with the hill. You might as well enjoy the scenery. You’ll never be on this particular hill again.

4. Its hot as hades out so you need to ask yourself if you really care if your jiggly bits are out or if you want to overheat. Might as well be comfortable. Take your shirt off and keep going.

5. It doesn’t matter how fast you go, only that you go. It doesn’t matter how fast you were five years ago. You are not the same person anymore.

6. Your hill is unique. It is not comparable to other hills. So stop beating yourself up.

7. At some point you will be alone. You will look behind you and ahead of you and no one will be there. That’s ok. As much as we may be social creatures, at the end of the day, you are alone.

8. There will be some hills that teach you nothing.

9. Life is full of hills. They do not always disappear with your accomplishments. New ones pop up and old ones rise again. Conquering a hill and saying “now I will be happy” is counter intuitive. Be happy in spite of the hills.

10. Rushing up the hills is not going to make the other hills vanish. Might as well enjoy the walk.

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#Iamnotsobbingmyfaceisjustleaking

No, I’m actually crying. Or I was. I just ate my feelings with chinese food. 

It’d be nice to believe that I’m not an emotional punk, but I am. 

That’s who I’ve always been. The emotional one. Do you know many guidance counselors I have been too? I don’t actually know the answer to that, but this all reminds me why my punk ass is medicated. 

However, there are times where even the medication doesnt stop the devastating feeling when another person hurts me. And it’s ok to be hurt because people have their own motivations for their actions, but…a change has to occur at some point in adulthood so that you don’t end up committing yourself. 

Change is painful. I keep reminding myself that if change was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. I’m starting to realize that it is easy for me to be a dumping ground for pain. People don’t do it on purpose, usually, but the build up of being a box where I let others put their emotions is not healthy. It’s never been healthy. And, it eats away at me.

I am sure somewhere I believe I am helping them, but the truth is they don’t need me for that. No one needs or wants you to suck up all of their pain and make it better. Or maybe they do. I’m not good at diserning these things. 

And I’m the only one it hurts in the end because I believe that my worth is based in my ability to provide you a service. And even though I am good at fixing problems, I am not an objective party. I can’t parse others feelings for them. I can’t motivate them to change their behavior. I don’t have the degrees for that. 

All I can do is wake up everyday and try to be a good human. That’s what my baseline is. No more.