Tag Archives: comedy

Can I just start telling people I don’t want to talk to them because their entire being makes me anxious?

Have you ever met someone that literally makes your internal anxiety organ twitch? Not a slight twitch either – like a full on muscle spasm?

I meet people like that sometimes and I feel as though I should have a universal pass that says:

Picture1
my calling card

Personally, I’d like to think they’d be so caught off guard my clear lack of understanding of human anatomy that they’d wouldn’t notice as I try to melt into the closest wall.  But, they might believe the anxio-brachial organ exists.  Does it sound official enough? Someone let me know.

While we are at it,  invisibility is really something I have to work on.  Every once in a blue moon, I have days where I wake up and say, “You know what! I feel fancy today.  I would like to be noticed.” Without fail, two hours later someone does that exact thing.  Except the exact thing is a man on the street groping you.  The universe basically said ‘Fuck you” and I went back to hiding in my house.  Or under my desk.  Or in my bed.  Or hiding behind a food stand, because I saw someone from work and my first instinct is to run in the other direction.  My survival instincts are clearly intact even if they are usually flawed in logic.  I have a great penchant for hiding from people I don’t want to see, but then I ignore a bladder infection for three days for no reason and don’t tell anyone.  When I kick the bucket, it’s going to be for ignoring something strange and some person will find my body 6 days later.  The autopsy will show something mundane and everyone will be confused and suspect fowl play.  Flowers of Lys, I say (GoT reference).

I’m not sure how I spun that paragraph to end with me dead, but oh well.  The entire point of this post which I’ve done a great job deviating from is that some people make the anxio-meter go up 100 points and I’d like a pass in dealing with them.  Inevitably, I fumble and they freak out because usually they are people in some kind of position of power (shocking, I know) and then I spend three hours trying figure out how to ask them a question or re-type an email 85 times.

You know who I really need those cards for, though.  Those people in the mall who want to stop and talk to you about your skin.  Also, god. Anyone in a mall stand who accosts you instead of following the WELL KNOWN RULE THAT NO ONE WANTS YOUR HELP THEY JUST WANT TO SHOP QUIETLY WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF SOCIAL INTERACTION POSSIBLE.  Wait, is that just me?

 

 

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