Tag Archives: anxiety

Folding laundry

Things I fixate on while depressed:

1. Your eyebrows. Skeptical arches don’t make themselves (maybe).

2. Keeping your closet clean. I’m up to two weeks. Granted the drawers are a mess but everything is put away.

3. Folding laundry (a necessary evil for keeping your closet clean).

4. Online browsing for a marine corps birthday ball dress. Its sad how many hours I’ve spent on this. 

5. Contemplating my shoe collection. I have a minor addiction.

6. Trying to get at least 10000 steps a day and resorting to reading and walking to motivate myself. 

7. Fixating on wedding photos for several hours and then experiencing a facebook tag mania. 

8. Reading books in series too fast and finish 11 outlander books in three months without realizing you got to the last book then grieve that you have to live without the characters until the 12th book comes out.

9. Rewatch random parts of beauty and the beast several times. 

10. Worry about the shampoo you are using excessively and spend a weird amount of time in the hair care aisle of the store.

11. Name all of the stray dogs near the embassy. Develop relationships even though you can’t take any one of them home because you have two dogs.

12. Stay up late stalking family for photos and information for your massive family tree.

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And this is why I can’t be responsible for things

Also why I’d probably survive pretty much any massively shitty situation.

Once upon a time I decided to leave my house on a Sunday in search of a monastery to take photos of. 

I like pretty stuff and I dont mind driving a resonible amount of time to look at it. So, I drove to Curchi Monastery. This is what I found.




Also, I found these dogs and they were cute.

Whilst listening to the name of thrones sound track I drove him (btw you should totally listen to it because its magical). I kept thinking to myself “god it would suck if my car broke right now.”

I stopped at the grocery store and got myself a covrigi (#delicious)

I should have known the day was going south when I had trouble counting my money at the grocery store. I don’t know why, but I feel as though it should have been a clue.

I returned to my car and it was doing the thing where it starts and then tuckers out. Usually this happens in the cold but it wasnt particularly cold yesterday. Except this time, the car kept turning off.

Unfortunately, my survival mode kicked in and my brain was yelling very loudly to go the fuck home right now. So I hit the gas and tried to keep my rpms above zero so the car would stay on. The car did not stay on. I pissed off at least for people and almost died at least twice. I finally got to my garage but the car wouldn’t stay running for me to turn into my parking space. Probably a combination of not wanting to ask anyone for help, severe anxiety, and adrenaline helped me decide that I needed to push my car into its space. 

I moved a car in neutral at least five feet while turning it. I’m pretty sure the sounds I was making were close to the sounds you make when you’re reach constipated but don’t want to give up on your poop dreams. 

I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow although it’s seemingly running ok at the moment. Here is what I have learned from this situation:

1. I suck at car stuff and it turns me into an hyperventilating, crazy hulk beast. But just overseas. In America, it’s easier. 

2. Leaving the house was a mistake, but I have to make myself do it anyway. It helps me grow…as a person…or something…

3. Asking for help will always be fucking dreadful

4. You’d be surprised at how much crazy shit you can deal with. And, survive. (This sounds overdramatic – I mean in general not really for this particular situation)

5. A book about my life would be aptly titled “Misadventures: how do I get out of this situation without dying?”

Creativity vs Depression

I’m currently between two extremes:

  1. Massive Creative Mania
  2. Kinda want to wrap myself in depression’s blanket 

I’m sure it would help if I slept like a normal person. Don’t get me wrong, my sleep issues don’t have me up at all hours like they did in 2012-2013.  Mostly, I have trouble shutting down my brain to get to sleep, staying asleep, and then I have insane dreams that either leave me vastly confused about WTF is going on in my brain or upset about the emotional conflict that my brain made up.

Sidenote: I once thought there was a medication that stopped dreams. There is not.

I could deal with the sleep thing if I had benadryl – but I’m all out until my amazon order (Go to the store, you say.  They don’t have it here) comes in. Which is fine, I can hack it until then. Probably.

I feel like I am stuck between two extremes: wanting to do everything and wanting to do nothing.  The internal arguments between the Lindsay’s are particularly interesting and go something like this:

Artistic L: I NEED A GRAPHIC DESIGN APP. 
Depressed L: I’m tired
Artistic L: WE SHOULD WRITE THIS STORY
Depressed L: I want to sleep
Artistic L: AND HERE IS ANOTHER IDEA FOR OUR WRITING 
Depressed L: are you always this loud?
Anxiety: I have to pee 

How do you manage the extremes?  And well the anxiety doesn’t know what to do, so we are currently in the midst of a mental cold war.

And because the creative one is on hyperdrive – I created the below as a compromise.

BeFunky Design2.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

I’m just here to see the dog

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I have anxiety.

Socially speaking, it is probably the worst. However, I try to be better about it and that is what counts.

I went to a party a few days ago and I have to admit – my sole motivator was seeing the dog. I have two dogs at home.

See below:

So, really I do not need to leave the house to pet dogs but I need a motivator to propel me into social situations and the idea of hanging out with a dog is generally enough to get me to leave the comfort of my bed fort. Cats and kids are also good motivators. Food is not because then I eat my feelings.

That’s the thing I’ve learned about combatting anxiety is I have to make myself uncomfortable so it gets less hard time. I can’t say that some things (parties) ever get super easy but sometimes I end up enjoying myself.

As such, here is a list of ways I try to make myself go do things

1. Set a time limit

2. Have an exit plan

3. Reward yourself

4. Pet the dog

5. Make it a game

I can’t add a wingman to the list because although comforting it becomes a crutch I use and then I feel like a lost puppy. I still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that, actually.

Usually if I’m feeling extra twitchy I last about an hour then I try and disappear. I’ve found by disappearing you are less likely to get hounded by well meaning nice people on your way out.

(On my society6 shop – Organized Dysfunction)

You know what else makes me twitchy?

Having to get gas for the car. Only overseas though because in all there countries I’ve lived they pump for you so then you have to talk to them in a different language. So I spend alot of my time with gas light on. You’d think that would be the thing to give me anxiety.

Naked Wedding Planning?

Does anyone else feel naked when trying to plan a wedding?
I mean, figurately. I have clothes on. I have a few more invites to do and I was in the midst of trying to make a Facebook page (because in my copious spare time I overcompensate by spamming you with as much information as possible) and I felt very exposed.

The problem with planning something in obsessive spurts for a year or so is the closer I actually get to the event the more I can hear myself saying “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit” because its really happening. Like, in real life.

I’m not going to toy with you and say that when I was a little girl I never thought about getting married or Prince charming or that I didnt have a minor obsession with being a fabulous ass princess. I did. I loved the idea of it all. I watched all those stupid wedding shows and I had longing crushes on people I would never talk to instead I daydreamed about our romantic courtship and love story.

And, this is why you should monitor how many romance books your kids are reading.

I eventually I buried some of that insanity and became an adult. I still daydream alot, but I think that’s just how I function. In our minds, I think we are probably all someone vastly different than our awkward realistic self. Oh, that’s just me? Ok.

Fast forward to the whole marriage thing where I’m twitching in a corner from not having a good enough event or having people come or what gifts to get the wedding party or trying to figure out my flight pattern or changing my mind about shoes again.

I want it to be right. But, that’s not the point of this whole wedding thing. There is no getting it right. It is literally just having a party because you like this one person enough to try and figure out all the crazy life things out with. That is whats worth getting right because its not about the wedding.

Its about the person trying to help you get all your makeup off afterwards so you can both lay down until ten minutes into it hot husband is like “I’m hungry.”

In this imaginary scenario, there would be room service. Thank goodness.

The Pros and Cons of the Magical Mental Chainsaw Shutdown

Its been a grand total of 3 days since I decided to disable the dream killing factory in my brain in a weird attempt to embrace the unknown. By current estimates, there are four lindsay’s living in my brain shouting about how their idea is the BEST IDEA that ever EXISTED in the entire 29 year history.
Whilst living through this mania, I’ve been moderately productive and pretty creative. I just have too many ideas for one body. In the spirit of sharing, here’s what I have accomplished:

1. Traversed, at a variety of speeds including being dragged forward by my two dogs, almost 15 miles out of 730 miles.
2. Still working on weebly website (this one)
3. Opened society6 shop and did some designs.
PLUG ALERT: You can check out my society six store here and get 15% off with free shipping on the entire society six site (not just my store).
Link:https://society6.com/organizeddysfunction?promo=GGK4T783Q7WR

Store name: Organized Dysfunction
RESUMING REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
I have more ideas I am writing down so I don’t lose them and just when I think I’m on to something BAM another idea or path or option. This is why I can never decide what to buy people for gifts. With my magical mental chainsaw, I would just kill the idea with self doubt and critical logic. However, my MMC (see what I did there) serves a purpose of keeping me from falling off the deep end of the idea abyss.

I guess my point is, I need to turn my MMC into a magical mental masseuse. The alliteration. Kills me. No, really. I need to massage my ideas. Sounds
gross, though. 

The post that was not influenced by the new year.

2017.130.730.


These numbers sum up my life right now. I must say, they are rather pleasant to ruminate on.

My general goal last year (and probably the year before but sometimes these things take longer to accomplish) was to stop letting the gut-wrenching fear of failure run my life. 

Sidenote: I think I just realized what gut-wrenching really means. Or is it gut wrecking? More on that later.

I think I can safely estimate that I have at least a 72% success rate in the battle with my irrational fears. I won’t say a hundred, because let’s be honest. I still hide from social events with my dogs and even if I go “hang out” my irrational distraction with awkward silences is often my wingman at the party unless I am drinking my face off then I am just a peach gin fizz (is that a thing?).

However, there’s alot less fear sweating and emergency bathroom breaks these days. Which, I feel like more people should talk about. Why is fear sweating so much more uncomfortable than regular sweating? And, why can do I go from regular bladder control to insane bodily functions when I panic. I should look that up. 

Note: Look up fight or flight responses. Because science.

Thus my ephiphany – gut wrenching. Get it? No? Ok.

Any who, my onward goal is to stop killing my ideas with my own mental chainsaw. Don’t worry, I am sure you have that awesome voice in your head too.

The reason behind my goal is vaguely simple-ish. I am getting no-joke hitched to another human (like legally not in a weird horror film way) in 130 days. I have no idea what is going to happen after the big day. I am not going to lie – its hella scary for reasons I can’t explain. So, I am here, dear internet, to build a something. 

So, let’s do this.