Category Archives: Uncategorized

2 Years

Dear Brian,

It’s been to years give or take a few days.  I didn’t forget my promise and I kept taking photographs.  We’ve seen so many different places this year.

I try to do better because I know how you would have lived.  I don’t always succeed and sometimes I question why I am here. But, I guess all I can do is try.

I’ve been so on edge and irritated lately and I wasn’t sure why until I remembered what day it was (even though I reminded myself a few days ago that I needed to make sure that I wrote this).  Then I remembered again that I am here and you are not.  Oddly enough, a storm rolled in during my realization.  I can see the lightning from my window.

I can’t say good things about the world right now, but dogs are still pretty much the best.  Our group of friends are still making their way in this life and I can’t believe its been 10 years since we first met.  I am not sure if we would still be friends now (as I regret we drifted before you died), but I know I still love you.  I know that you showed me so much about loving people and seeing the world differently.

These are the things we saw this year.

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I used my Affinity program to create collages of all these photos – and it came out pretty cool.

collagecollage 2

Love,

Lindsay

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A Story of Caution

I was around 16 years old living in Connecticut. I didn’t have many friends so I spent a lot of my time at the library or with my sister. I felt creative one day and decided to do some constructive editing of my clothes. I’ve always been rather round so at 16 I was probably pudgy with braces and I probably was cutting my own hair. 

Anyway, I think this shirt ended up as a crop top and shorts that were probably a little short. I was walking with my sister down the street and there were a group of boys playing basketball. 

As we were walking away, they were yelling at me because apparently I was fat and gross. I remember being hurt, but I must have found an alternate way home so I didn’t feel humiliated again. 

I think everyone has stories of being called names or feeling out of place or feeling just plain hideous. 

So, here is my life lesson. 

People are cruel and the world is cruel. Don’t add meanness to it, just because you feel entitled to it. You don’t need to go out into life and tell everyone what they are doing wrong. You don’t need to go out into life and tell a person they look fat. You don’t need to go out into life and tell someone their life’s work is meaningless. You don’t need to go out in life and ruin the cashier’s day by yelling at them. You don’t need to point out to the quiet person that they are such a loser.  

You don’t need to put that badness in the world. You may be able to forget all these things but the person you did this to might be sitting in their car 14 years later thinking about it. 

A letter to you

Yes, you. 

I know you are in the other side of the screen, so I wanted to write you a letter.

Maybe you woke up today and wanted to stop living.

Maybe today was a bad day and you want to throw in the towel.

Maybe your face is swollen and puffy from those tears.

Maybe whatever demons you fight are winning right now. 

Maybe you’re so quiet but the voices in your mind are screaming “I can’t do this.”

Take a deep breath. Nothing you are feeling now is wrong. I’m not going to tell you it gets better or easier because most of the time it doesn’t. 

But, you are strong. You are a fighter. And between battles, I pray, there is a lull in your pain. 

Some of us go through life bathed in fires. Our pain makes us stronger, but it also means we don’t find much peace. 

But, this too shall pass. Keep fighting. 

Falling out of windows

#tw

I have been known to run in races. I ran one today. It was a 10k in a wine cellar and limestone mine. I did pretty well considering I haven’t been so focused on running.

The one thing after races that always bothers me is I sink very low afterwards. Sometimes I get kind of hysterical. I seem to forget until it happens. I’ve run so many longer, tougher races that I didnt think it would hit me like this. 

Between the news and all the pain I see on the internet, I’d really like to fall out of a window in the least suicidal way possible and give someone my life. 

I will not fall out of a window. I have dogs to take care of and a life to deal with. I just am trying to find the line between staying engaged in my civic duty and trying to donate where I can and write letters and sign petitions, but not let all of it eat me up.

But it eats at me. I’m so far away and its hard to feel connected to my country. So much of the pain is so intense and it doesn’t have to be this way and yet it is. I feel like my heart is being squeezed by a demon. And sometimes it goes away for awhile and then there is another death or terrible thing and it comes back. 

And, I have no right to feel this way.  

I’m just here to see the dog

Hello, my name is Lindsay and I have anxiety.

Socially speaking, it is probably the worst. However, I try to be better about it and that is what counts.

I went to a party a few days ago and I have to admit – my sole motivator was seeing the dog. I have two dogs at home.

See below:

So, really I do not need to leave the house to pet dogs but I need a motivator to propel me into social situations and the idea of hanging out with a dog is generally enough to get me to leave the comfort of my bed fort. Cats and kids are also good motivators. Food is not because then I eat my feelings.

That’s the thing I’ve learned about combatting anxiety is I have to make myself uncomfortable so it gets less hard time. I can’t say that some things (parties) ever get super easy but sometimes I end up enjoying myself.

As such, here is a list of ways I try to make myself go do things

1. Set a time limit

2. Have an exit plan

3. Reward yourself

4. Pet the dog

5. Make it a game

I can’t add a wingman to the list because although comforting it becomes a crutch I use and then I feel like a lost puppy. I still haven’t quite figured out how to deal with that, actually.

Usually if I’m feeling extra twitchy I last about an hour then I try and disappear. I’ve found by disappearing you are less likely to get hounded by well meaning nice people on your way out.

(On my society6 shop – Organized Dysfunction)

You know what else makes me twitchy?

Having to get gas for the car. Only overseas though because in all there countries I’ve lived they pump for you so then you have to talk to them in a different language. So I spend alot of my time with gas light on. You’d think that would be the thing to give me anxiety.