Category Archives: introversion

Sometimes the hill just sucks

Today, I ran a 10k. I wasn’t incredibly fast today, but I had those semi-philosophical thoughts that occur when running up A BIG FUCKING HILL IN THE SUN WHEN ITS 90 DEGREES.

1. Sometimes, in life, we go through periods where it’s just an obscenely large hill that doesn’t seem to end. This hill sucks. However, you have to climb the hill. You don’t have to like the hill. You can be angry at the hill. You can tell to go fuck itself, but really at the end that hill has to be dealt with.

2. It does not matter how fast you climb the hill. It does not matter how fast others climb the hill. This hill is your hill. No other hills will be like your hill. Get up your hill and stop worrying about everyone else’s.

3. The hill sucks but given that you’ll be spending massive amounts of quality time with the hill. You might as well enjoy the scenery. You’ll never be on this particular hill again.

4. Its hot as hades out so you need to ask yourself if you really care if your jiggly bits are out or if you want to overheat. Might as well be comfortable. Take your shirt off and keep going.

5. It doesn’t matter how fast you go, only that you go. It doesn’t matter how fast you were five years ago. You are not the same person anymore.

6. Your hill is unique. It is not comparable to other hills. So stop beating yourself up.

7. At some point you will be alone. You will look behind you and ahead of you and no one will be there. That’s ok. As much as we may be social creatures, at the end of the day, you are alone.

8. There will be some hills that teach you nothing.

9. Life is full of hills. They do not always disappear with your accomplishments. New ones pop up and old ones rise again. Conquering a hill and saying “now I will be happy” is counter intuitive. Be happy in spite of the hills.

10. Rushing up the hills is not going to make the other hills vanish. Might as well enjoy the walk.

Advertisements

Summer Blues

Last week, I had a melt down at work. The reason for the meltdown isn’t really the point – but I was reminded that people don’t really care all that much about anything outside of themselves (case-in-point I am writing about myself). Because of the type of job I have, I give too much when I shouldn’t. Part of it is guilt and, I guess, the other part just wants to make things work. I want to do a good job, but I do a good job at the expense of myself, sometimes. For example: We needed pizza for an event. My car was getting worked on that day. Instead of getting a ride, I walked to the pizza place (which was closed FOR NO REASON ON A MONDAY) and then walked to the location of the event (probably 2 miles from work). Ordered pizza online and it was delivered in the nic of time. However, why didn’t I just get a ride? Or have someone else order the pizza? Why did I feel the need to make it so hard on myself? Sure, its funny because its so insane. But, its not a good pattern.

It happens like once a month. Maybe, it’s because I find it difficult to ask for help.

I have found over the last year or so that sometimes things, places, people, organizations are just broken. This proverbial jenga tower cannot be rebuilt. Or at least, I am not the person to do it. Or maybe my jenga tower is broken. It’s funny despite everything that has happened over the last 6 years, I still haven’t figured out to how to let go or give less of myself. And, it tears me up because I feel too much, too strongly, too often. I am literally feeling down because of two fictional characters right now. I am literally anxious about trying to move in with my husband and encountering people at his work. It’s not for a month.

At the end of the day, the world goes on with or without me. Work will go on. People will go on. I am not a necessity. I’m not sure why I find this such a hard concept to understand. I am not the life-saving screw. I am just one piece.

I just want to turn off my feelings for a few weeks and catch up on sleep.

In other news, there are some photos that came out nice.

P1030235P1030236P1030238P1030240P1030241P1030243P1030246P1030248P1030249UntitledUntitled2Untitled3Untitled5.jpg

I broke my introvert

As you may well know, I got hitched to hot husband. In the week since, I think I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake (much to the disdain of hot husband). 

The epic journey started in Moldova on a plane. I flew to Charlotte via Vienna and Munich where my sister picked me up so I could watch her get promoted to captain. 

So fancy.

Then we woke up at midnight and drove for 16 hours to Connecticut with my sister’s dog Oscar. 

Maybe not the best idea. By the time we got to Jersey (where HH is from) I was delirious and felt like I was surrounded by thousands of hot husbands driving like maniacs. 

Then, two days later it was four hours to Vermont on Monday. We arrived in Stowe to this bad ass cabin with big beds and faux fur blankets that I wore like a cape to channel my inner Jon Snow. (No pictures of my fabulous cape, but heres some of Burlington)

We did the whole wedding preamble thing. There were venue things and flower things and wine things. Diy flower arrangements are actually not to difficult and kind of fun. The florist did our bouquets so that was much less stressful.

My sister planned this epic DIY wine tasting with my friends and it was magical.

And it was all great. Then we got married and stuff. 


The day after the wedding HH and I got on on a plane to come home to Moldova with the dogs. For the last six days, I have been exhausted. My introvert and socially anxious kid inside of me have gone into hiding. And sense I can’t function without them, I guess I’ve just been sleeping.

I dont know if its because the wedding is finally over and that we managed to actually get married (I know you may think its a pretty simple process but due to HH’s job we had to fill out a crap ton of paperwork and finally got approved on April 27th). Or if my social meter was just clocked out (so many people).

Or if I was sad that we had one week until we are apart again until we figure out a solution to both of our jobs and the miles that separate us.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I’ll slip into a coma at around 2:00pm.

The value of being alone

I’m sitting on the steps next to the palatul naĊ£ional eating a magnum ice cream cone and drinking seltzer water. 

Geographically speaking, I am generally without human interaction during my spare time. Although, when you have two dogs I don’t know if you can really say you’re alone. Animals being living beings and all. 

For the purposes of this post, I’ll focus on the whole human to human interaction bit. The hot fiance is on another continent and skype makes it easy to see each other everyday and we are in the same time zone, so our schedules are similar. But, when I leave the comforts of home to go to a restaurant or other things, he can’t come with me. 

We have been apart for two years on May and there were alot of times I felt trapped in my house living in a foreign country with not alot of the language and the hot fiance in Pakistan.

So when I came to Moldova I tried to become more comfortable doing recreational things alone. And I’m generally happy left to my own devices anyway. I just needed to transplant that happiness to activities outside the house. 

Now, you may be saying, “why don’t you just make friends.” And my only response would be that I have some aquantiances and I enjoy them on occasion, but I would wager that fifty percent of the ability to make friends is having a demographic that fits your own available to you.  And even if it is, I’ve never been a friend magnet anyway. 

I’ve strayed from my point, but learning to do enjoyable things on your own is a good experience. You are the only person in your life that’s never going to leave. Figuring out how to enjoy your own company is not a bad thing. Going to restaurants or events alone isn’t as scary as you think it is. Sometimes you might feel like you are being judged, but really no one cares.

So, have an adventure. 

You don’t like my resting bitch face until you need directions!

As you my have discerned from the title, my resting bitch face (RBF) seems to cause people to have a philosophical explosion with helpful little quips like “smile,” or “why do you look so sad?” 

The lovely little thoughts I have regarding these little jewels of advice can only be described as rage induced murder daydreams.

Although whilst I was traveling, I was asked for directions several times. Considering that RBF is a lifetime condition I have made the following determination:

You want me to smile until you are lost as shit then you want someone who looks like they know where they are going.

Except I WAS ALSO LOST. HA! You have been bamboozled by my faux self assurance.

I was only 50% lost. So, because RBF doesnt make me want to intentionally mislead you, I helped you out.

Because people RBF are capable of a myrid

Also, we are probably better at poker. 

It’s amazing the things you learn by avoiding people

Last time I went to the hair dresser my boobs got groped and I was called baby alot. Hot fiance is not a hairdresser btw.

I’ve been vaguely avoiding going but my vanity is not such that my hair won’t annoy me when the color doesn’t match. 

So, today I decided to deal with my hair in the privacy of my own bathroom clad in sweatpants and sports bra. First, I took to cutting the ends of my hair because they haven’t been dealt with since like October. In case you haven’t tried it, cutting your hair can be quite cathartic. Armed with my basting brush, which I will not be using for basting ever, a toothbrush, a comb, and memories of dying my mother’s hair at 15 – I started dying away. Quite the acrobatic experience, I must say. 

It hasn’t dried yet, so it’s possible I will reopen the possibility of the handsy Turk, but maybe it looks ok. Plus in two months I go to America and I can pay someone not to give me a sexual massage and fix my hair.
Everyone wins.

Update: it doesn’t look bad at all

Also, cocoa butter does magical things like take makeup off and get rid of dye stains.

Given the title of this post, I feel compelled to list the things I have done in my mission to avoid others:

1. Figured out how to plan a wedding with the least amount of human contact possible. Email is great.  

2. Watched makeup tutorials for months in order to do my own without looking cray

3. Sat on a fence stuck in a chain link by my underwear and refused help because I was embarrassed and wanted to be left alone.

4. Cured myself of rando skin problems overseas. 

5. Repaired furniture that was damaged by a dog. To no end, but not bad as learning experiences go. 

6. How to put together furniture I shipped from Amazon and ikea alone and the trusty help of YouTube.

7. How to invest money (with advice from my mom but I dont think she counts).

Cooking topless and other things you should try alone

Post workout yesterday I found myself cooking topless because I was doing laundry and it was a quite a gratifying experience. Then I started to make a mental list of things I enjoy about being the only human in my house right now. 

1. Cooking topless. You may have cooked sans pants because that’s more socially normal but I have to stay cooking sans shirt can be quite pleasant. How often do your boobs get to experience freedom? 

2. Watching bad movies sans other human judgement. I love bad romantic movies. I hate when people ruin them with their peasant opinions.

3. Eating alone in a restaurant. As someone with a number of painful anxieties, you would think eating alone would be awful. But its great. I don’t have to worry about sharing or people just wanting appetizers or thinking that I eat like a cow. The wait staff always seems nicer and I can play on my phone or read. It’s great. 

4. Tourism is great when you are alone. No talking, no planning. You kind of just decide to go and no one has to know. You dont even have to pack snacks if you don’t want to. Sometimes I just randomly go to a historical place and its great. Except right now because its cold and snowy.

5. Ok I’m back to food again but when you are alone no one is going to hate on your weird food combos. Like two weeks ago I ate frozen peas and raw brussel sprouts for dinner. I’m not sure whether that’s depression or freeing but no one was going to complain about it either.

6.  Sitting in your car alone is pretty great too. You can listen to music, read, or kind of just hang out. You can hang out in a car with very few people without it getting weird. I write in the car.

7. Ugly laughing is much more fun in the privacy of the alone cone. Explaining to another human why I find fat cats so hilarious is never as funny to another person as it is to me. 

I mean, how can you not love that. 

8. Taking weird selfies. Can’t do the below with another human around

9. Dog shaming isn’t nearly as fun when another human is around to be all like stoppppp

10. I find hair styling videos and cake making videos mesmerizing. You simply cannot watch those with another human and truly relax.