Category Archives: lists

The Spin Instructor

I’ve recently decided to go to spin classes as an alternate form of exercise and except for causing a sore vag from the seat – I have to admit that its pretty ok. (I’m not sorry for admitting that. My vagina is a tender beast)

Last night, I have to admit I developed a mild crush on my instructor for to reasons:

1. His playlist was fire (delicious South African beats, Lady Gaga, Whitney, a remake of “You don’t own me” and ABBA).

2. He vogued and made us boogie on our bikes. He probably could have said “TWERK BITCH,” and I would have tried.

The majority of the class did not have as much fun as I did. I will cop to getting down on my bike and singing really, really loudly. Also, sweating like it was my damn job.

I have pretty intense anxiety sometimes and doing things with my body publicly is more likely to send me spiraling into panic than be fun. However, this time around I felt good and for one hour I stopped caring so much.

I almost asked for his playlist, but that was a bridge too far last night. All in all it was a great 60 minutes.

Until I got home and realized that I left the hose on refilling the pool and almost flooded the yard a smidge. Oops.

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There are some feelings that only trudging 9 miles can solve

I’ve been running into a lot of life’s little (shitty) roadblocks lately.

And it makes me want to punch walls.

1. A crappy hotel that I paid far too much money for.

2. The inability to get a changed paasport through my husband’s job (its a long story that’s too complicated to explain).

3. $2000 in vet bills so that I can take my dogs to south africa. Plus $4700 to move the dogs. (Yes, I know I made the choice to go to South Africa in the name of love and family but I can still internally freak out about the cost).

4. The lab estimating the amount of blood they needed wrong after I left Virginia to come to North Carolina. So I had to call several vets to see who could do this barrage of tests only to be met with confusion.

4. Continued uncertainty about life after next May.

This makes me, clearly, miserable to be around.

As such, I went for a walk this evening and ended up trudging nine miles to work myself out.

Unfortunately, now I’m still awake at midnight. But at least I’m less angry.

Cheers to all the people out there trying to work shit out when life sledgehammers your plans into a billion pieces.

Sometimes the hill just sucks

Today, I ran a 10k. I wasn’t incredibly fast today, but I had those semi-philosophical thoughts that occur when running up A BIG FUCKING HILL IN THE SUN WHEN ITS 90 DEGREES.

1. Sometimes, in life, we go through periods where it’s just an obscenely large hill that doesn’t seem to end. This hill sucks. However, you have to climb the hill. You don’t have to like the hill. You can be angry at the hill. You can tell to go fuck itself, but really at the end that hill has to be dealt with.

2. It does not matter how fast you climb the hill. It does not matter how fast others climb the hill. This hill is your hill. No other hills will be like your hill. Get up your hill and stop worrying about everyone else’s.

3. The hill sucks but given that you’ll be spending massive amounts of quality time with the hill. You might as well enjoy the scenery. You’ll never be on this particular hill again.

4. Its hot as hades out so you need to ask yourself if you really care if your jiggly bits are out or if you want to overheat. Might as well be comfortable. Take your shirt off and keep going.

5. It doesn’t matter how fast you go, only that you go. It doesn’t matter how fast you were five years ago. You are not the same person anymore.

6. Your hill is unique. It is not comparable to other hills. So stop beating yourself up.

7. At some point you will be alone. You will look behind you and ahead of you and no one will be there. That’s ok. As much as we may be social creatures, at the end of the day, you are alone.

8. There will be some hills that teach you nothing.

9. Life is full of hills. They do not always disappear with your accomplishments. New ones pop up and old ones rise again. Conquering a hill and saying “now I will be happy” is counter intuitive. Be happy in spite of the hills.

10. Rushing up the hills is not going to make the other hills vanish. Might as well enjoy the walk.

I was going to write about self-care then I stabbed myself in the eye with a toothbrush

Hello. 

As you may know, self-care is important. Today, in an effort to feel less like death warmed over, I decided I was going to put on a dress, do my makeup, and take myself out to lunch. 

Everything was going well until I looked at my face from another light source. I had done my makeup and went out onto my balcony to make sure I looked ok. I did not. I looked like that drunk white girl at a frat party who was stumbling about telling everyone how much she loves everyone. She’s annoying. Her face is falling off and her chaperone needs to come get her. 

(I can’t claim to be that different because I get drunk and tell people I love their eyebrows. In my defense, fancy eyebrows might as well be art.)

Anywho, I tried to fix it. Changing lipstick or toning it down. I only proceeded to turn into the drunk aunt with drifting lipstick. (Or that one time at the ball where I drank tooo much gin then got belligerent. I’m sorry hot husband.)

Not to self: GIN DOES NOT SAVE LIVES
So while de-makeuping I was brushing my eyebrows out with a tooth brush which is separate from my actual tooth brush and somehow stabbed myself in the eyeball.

When I say that I would rather go blind then ever feel that again I’m not joking. That shit felt like getting an angry tattoo on my cornea. 

My eye still hurts and its been an hour.  

So I can’t talk to you about liking yourself today. I dont like myself at all. But, collectively, we should hate ourselves a bit less. Even if you fail at becoming an instagram level make up artist. Maybe its not so much even liking yourself as it is accepting yourself in your current state.

So, here is an effort to hash out the things that make me weird and awesome. You should make a list too, because I bet you’re wicked cool. 

1. One of my eyelids droops more than the other. And if I’m tired or drinking it’s even worse.

2. Pretty sure my lips are uneven. Also I’m pretty sure I get lipstick on my teeth MORE THAN ANYONE. JESUS CHRIST.

3. I have scars on my knees that look like bruises. They are all from tripping over my own feet which leads me to my next point.

4. I’m pigeon toed as a motherfucker

Ignore everything else and look at my feet in this picture.

AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

5.  My lip hair has gotten darker in recent years so I have to try and make it look like I’m stashe-less in makeup. For some reason that just makes it worse. 

6. I’ve been overweight most of my life except for a handful of times. I’m overweight right now, but I work out and try to be healthy. I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself that I don’t need to be a certain weight. 

7. I hate bras. I’d rather freeboob life. I don’t really care if my nips bother you

8. My feet remind me of when the Beast from beauty and the beast gets turned back to a human at the end. 

Yea, that guy. Actually in pretty much all of his lower body is me. 

9. I get rando dark hairs in strange places. Not to sound cliche, but I blame the entire French Canadian side of the family.

10. I legitimately have a hereditary mole on my ass. Yes. I shit you not (PUN). Three generations.

11. I suck at every sport except running and maybe yoga. When I was on sports teams, I was generally the resident fuck up.  Zero coordination. 

12. I tap my head when I have a panic attack. 

13. When I cry, I get snot everywhere. Its like my body is producing phlegm just for fun. Hot husband has gotten alot of snot on him. 

14.  I hate spandex underwear. They give me wedgies because of my big ass. 

15. I’m obsessed with my hair. For this reason, I literally can’t stop buying shampoo. Its an addiction. I have like five different kinds not including conditioner. WHY DO I FALL FOR THE MARKETING PLOYS EVERY SINGLE TIME?

In closing, I hope this brightens your day and makes you laugh. I’m going to continue eating this hummus thats going to my ass. 

Why can I hear you thinking?

I’ve decided I need to work in a noise proof bubble. 

Or maybe I’m just annoyed. 

So here is a list of things that make me want to claw my eyes out

1. Computer Folders with one file in them.

1a. Computer Folders with 100 files in them that have one document in each file.

2. People who inquire as to why I don’t want to do doggie play dates. BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE. 

3. Not being able to pump my own gas. (Gas pump attendants insist in the Former Soviet Union)

4. Drivers who pass 5 cars only to wait and want to merge.

5. Dog food packaging when bought online

6. When my husband asks me 50 questions before 9am and then he’s like y so cranky? Oh, you haven’t had your coffee. Yes. THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ME EVERY MORNING.

7. Being hot unless I’m working out

8. Individuals who insist on creating problems at 5 pm on Friday. 

9. Reply alls to emails that you aren’t supposed to reply all to.

10. Quotes after signature lines in emails.

11. The incorrect use of an ellipsis. 

12. Having an unbalanced house temperature. I, clearly, know this is an easy problem to have, but once again I am annoyed so I don’t care. 

13. Articles entitled “I did *this* for thirty days and this happened.” In the last year, I estimate there have been too many articles entitled this and it needs to end. I know you are trying to get readership, but jesus.

14. Any post on social media that says “one like = beautiful.” 

15.  Unilateral generational statements. Sure, there are certain trends for generations, but trash talking an entire generation of people is petty. “Are you a millenial? I’ve always wanted to meet a millenial!” Stop. 

16. Articles about saving extra money “by using these tips.” I love saving money so this is my own fault, but can anyone think of something more than: bring your lunch!; go out less!; stop going to by coffee so much. 

17. People who are like “I’m a mom with a bodybuilder physique so what’s your excuse? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT?” Listen, that’s great. But everyone doesn’t need to be like you. Stop shaming people for your own personal gratification. 

18. Uncomfortable underwear

19. Unrelated reponses to posts. Picture of Cartoon. Person responds in comments “how are you?”

20. People making the reference that I should just go get a job in the local coffee shop where my husband is stationed so that I can have a job. Even though that is: 1. Practically impossible because there is not a full bilateral work agreement where he is stationed and 2. Its just a shitty thing to “jokingly” imply. 

*mic drop* 

P.S. If you got this far, I appreciate the patience. Apparently I needed to get a lot off my chest. 

Folding laundry

Things I fixate on while depressed:

1. Your eyebrows. Skeptical arches don’t make themselves (maybe).

2. Keeping your closet clean. I’m up to two weeks. Granted the drawers are a mess but everything is put away.

3. Folding laundry (a necessary evil for keeping your closet clean).

4. Online browsing for a marine corps birthday ball dress. Its sad how many hours I’ve spent on this. 

5. Contemplating my shoe collection. I have a minor addiction.

6. Trying to get at least 10000 steps a day and resorting to reading and walking to motivate myself. 

7. Fixating on wedding photos for several hours and then experiencing a facebook tag mania. 

8. Reading books in series too fast and finish 11 outlander books in three months without realizing you got to the last book then grieve that you have to live without the characters until the 12th book comes out.

9. Rewatch random parts of beauty and the beast several times. 

10. Worry about the shampoo you are using excessively and spend a weird amount of time in the hair care aisle of the store.

11. Name all of the stray dogs near the embassy. Develop relationships even though you can’t take any one of them home because you have two dogs.

12. Stay up late stalking family for photos and information for your massive family tree.

It’s amazing the things you learn by avoiding people

Last time I went to the hair dresser my boobs got groped and I was called baby alot. Hot fiance is not a hairdresser btw.

I’ve been vaguely avoiding going but my vanity is not such that my hair won’t annoy me when the color doesn’t match. 

So, today I decided to deal with my hair in the privacy of my own bathroom clad in sweatpants and sports bra. First, I took to cutting the ends of my hair because they haven’t been dealt with since like October. In case you haven’t tried it, cutting your hair can be quite cathartic. Armed with my basting brush, which I will not be using for basting ever, a toothbrush, a comb, and memories of dying my mother’s hair at 15 – I started dying away. Quite the acrobatic experience, I must say. 

It hasn’t dried yet, so it’s possible I will reopen the possibility of the handsy Turk, but maybe it looks ok. Plus in two months I go to America and I can pay someone not to give me a sexual massage and fix my hair.
Everyone wins.

Update: it doesn’t look bad at all

Also, cocoa butter does magical things like take makeup off and get rid of dye stains.

Given the title of this post, I feel compelled to list the things I have done in my mission to avoid others:

1. Figured out how to plan a wedding with the least amount of human contact possible. Email is great.  

2. Watched makeup tutorials for months in order to do my own without looking cray

3. Sat on a fence stuck in a chain link by my underwear and refused help because I was embarrassed and wanted to be left alone.

4. Cured myself of rando skin problems overseas. 

5. Repaired furniture that was damaged by a dog. To no end, but not bad as learning experiences go. 

6. How to put together furniture I shipped from Amazon and ikea alone and the trusty help of YouTube.

7. How to invest money (with advice from my mom but I dont think she counts).

I do not wish to dream about my wedding

Because when I dream about my wedding, its a shit show on speed.

Here are the highlights from last nights dream:

1. I had to wear a retainer

2. I put blue and pink eyeshadow on different eyes

3. The groomsmen were lost

4. There was no officiant

5. My mom was late

6. I somehow ended up with eyeshadow on my retainer

7. People got accosted by mom who then was late the next day

It was weird and completely off the wall. And, I didnt even imbibe alcohol last night. I suppose it could have been the half bag of jalapeno cheetos I mainlined yesterday. Mistake.

I suppose this is normal. I do wish it was a little more realistic like a cat fight or someone smushing all the cupcakes or a drunkard making several speeches. Not, me wearing a retainer like a nube. 

And this is why I can’t be responsible for things

Also why I’d probably survive pretty much any massively shitty situation.

Once upon a time I decided to leave my house on a Sunday in search of a monastery to take photos of. 

I like pretty stuff and I dont mind driving a resonible amount of time to look at it. So, I drove to Curchi Monastery. This is what I found.




Also, I found these dogs and they were cute.

Whilst listening to the name of thrones sound track I drove him (btw you should totally listen to it because its magical). I kept thinking to myself “god it would suck if my car broke right now.”

I stopped at the grocery store and got myself a covrigi (#delicious)

I should have known the day was going south when I had trouble counting my money at the grocery store. I don’t know why, but I feel as though it should have been a clue.

I returned to my car and it was doing the thing where it starts and then tuckers out. Usually this happens in the cold but it wasnt particularly cold yesterday. Except this time, the car kept turning off.

Unfortunately, my survival mode kicked in and my brain was yelling very loudly to go the fuck home right now. So I hit the gas and tried to keep my rpms above zero so the car would stay on. The car did not stay on. I pissed off at least for people and almost died at least twice. I finally got to my garage but the car wouldn’t stay running for me to turn into my parking space. Probably a combination of not wanting to ask anyone for help, severe anxiety, and adrenaline helped me decide that I needed to push my car into its space. 

I moved a car in neutral at least five feet while turning it. I’m pretty sure the sounds I was making were close to the sounds you make when you’re reach constipated but don’t want to give up on your poop dreams. 

I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow although it’s seemingly running ok at the moment. Here is what I have learned from this situation:

1. I suck at car stuff and it turns me into an hyperventilating, crazy hulk beast. But just overseas. In America, it’s easier. 

2. Leaving the house was a mistake, but I have to make myself do it anyway. It helps me grow…as a person…or something…

3. Asking for help will always be fucking dreadful

4. You’d be surprised at how much crazy shit you can deal with. And, survive. (This sounds overdramatic – I mean in general not really for this particular situation)

5. A book about my life would be aptly titled “Misadventures: how do I get out of this situation without dying?”