Category Archives: photography

I swam with mer-people

Ok, so they were seals but someone a long time ago probably thought they were mermaids and that’s good enough for the purposes of this posts.

I’m not going to lie, I was super excited about this. By super excited, I mean that I was swee-ing all the way to the seals. Also, I just wrote sqeals which is kind of a pun.

I didn’t start panicking until I was in the middle of the ocean which I take as a success (although clearly my self preservation instincts are rusty). Of course I chose to snorkel for the first time in the middle of the ocean with wild animals BUT IF I DIE, I DIE. Snorkeling reminds me kind of hyperventilating which is where the panic came in, but I overcame and kind of just let go. The ocean took me and I actually enjoyed seeing the seals dance around me. The waves were a bit choppy and I swallowed a large volume of salt water, but I had a lot of fun.

My husband, in the other hand, did not feel the same. This feeling was most aptly expressed in the large volume of vomit he expressed at the end. The marine has no sea legs.

Here are my sad photos of the seals.

Advertisements

The idea of home

When I explain my past, its hard to really pinpoint a home.  I have homes, but they mostly exist in my mind.  As a kid, I moved so much that getting attached to a place wasn’t really something that I could do emotionally.  More often than not, I don’t think of home as a place because home is not permanent.  Is home a structure, a feeling, a moment, a person, or that warm feeling in your chest in the middle of the night when you feel safe? I’ve always felt like an outsider – which might just be my personality or a survival mechanism to keep me from getting too attached.  Sometimes it is easier to maintain a certain level of distance in order to keep your sanity than to take a chance, but then you meet those people.  Those people who strip the rust from your heart leaving you open and vulnerable just by not allowing you to stay far away.  I can count on one hand how many of those people have walked into and out of my life.  I’m not particularly fond of being noticed, but these people don’t give me a choice and it teaches me something every time.  Each of these people represent a home to me.

Maybe home is just a moment crystallized in time.  Just one perfect day where the dreams are allowed to exist and we speak our truths without so much fear and it is okay.  We aren’t so scared of sharing our demons, because we all have them.  In those 12 hours, life doesn’t really need to make sense and we don’t feel so damn overwhelmed by our brains.  I had one of those days recently and I want to crystallize this day in amber so that when the darkness comes back – I can remember.

Timbrus Wine

A few friends asked me to take some photos at a wine tasting they were hosting.  The wine was Timbrus under Purcari Estate.  The oenologist who helps create the wines is Spanish Manuel Ortiz Martinez was also at the event.

I nearly jumped out of my socks – its not clear to me if I was wearing socks at the time but if I was – then I jumped out of them.  I almost felt like a real-life photographer at this party.  It was so awesome.

This was my first time actually taking more focused pictures of people and it was actually really fun.  People actually posed for me and that gave me this feeling of great excitement.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Enough

It’s the holiday season.  Gratitude and gift-giving is in full swing. Except, we never feel so good about ourselves.  Or, I don’t. But, what is new?

So, I’m here to tell you that life is messy.  We are messy.  Feelings are messy.  I am messy.

And that’s okay.  And it’s okay to not to be okay.

So here are some pictures of real thanksgiving.  It’s real. It’s messy and it’s beautiful.

 

 

Joburg Zoo & Constitution Hill

In this edition of Lindsay (+ hot husband sometimes) does South Africa, I’ll share my photos of Constitution Hill (with sad feelings) and the Johannesburg Zoo (with not so sad feelings). Choose your poison. Also, I wrote them in reverse order.

On Sunday, we trekked to the Johannesburg Zoo.  By trekked, I mean we walked a mile to the train then got off the train and walked what was supposed to be another mile, but was probably more like two miles because google maps IS A DIRTY LIAR sometimes. Because we walked google maps took us through this fancy neighborhood which was not at all creepy and if my mom was here she would be trying to climb walls to see the houses because she’s nosy.  Then she’d get electrocuted by one of those fences and hopefully it give her super powers or something.  Or we’d get arrested for burglary.

(Also, burglary does not sound like it should have two r’s. Thanks english language.)

We finally arrived at our destination despite the lack of appropriate signage and google maps FAILING.  This zoo was clearly not the best zoo. I mean, it was nice…but weird?

Upon entering we were accosted by a nice gentlemen who wanted to take our picture (the kind they take and then you pay for) and I said oh no thank you (because I wasn’t emotionally prepared for this interaction).  His response was ever so tersely “IT’S PART OF THE EXPERIENCE. LET ME TAKE YOUR PICTURE.”  Did you just imagine him talking in a demon voice? I did.

Hot husband being one big muscle was, of course, hungry, because cardio. He went to the snack truck which was, again of course, out of everything.  Including water. No water for you.

We began our promenade around the turtle enclosure where a young family was VIOLATING THE RULES BY TRYING TO FEED THE TURTLES. WHY DO YOU DO THIS HUMANS? WHAT CAN’T YOU FOLLOW THE RULES? Hot husband noticed this immediately and I gave them the benefit of the doubt.  Clearly, I was wrong again. Don’t tell him I said that.

We then saw Violet the Turtle try and fight Buttercup the Turtle.  Turtle fights don’t really show up well on camera.

P1030838
Turtle fight:  evidence or lack thereof

Photos from our adventure

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Then, we had to trek back and beat the rain.  Oops. Overall successful event despite walking 9 miles.

The next day, I took myself to Constitution Hill where the Constitutional Court of South Africa sits and the historical prison #4 sight.  Initially, I was hopeful because I managed to leave the house and do a thing – always a feat of strength if we are being honest. Then, I asked some guys where I go to pay for a tour (to be fair to myself, they were at a desk in what I didn’t know was the Constitutional Court welcome center.  I was then promptly told that I “shouldn’t go places alone because then I ask the wrong people the wrong questions.”

I feel as though this is a philosophical statement, because it is clearly not based in any level of reality.  Am I not supposed to go anywhere unless I have someone to go with? How do I know I am asking the wrong person? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE APPROPRIATE SIGNAGE FOR THESE HISTORICAL SIGHTS? IS THAT NOT A REASONABLE REQUEST?

Anyway after I was verbally dressed down by a very mean bus tour guide – I found my way to the further spiral into situational depression.  Photos are no substitute for experience, but Prison number four was a horrible place were people were treated very badly for crimes, political activism, and for simply breaking curfew until 1983 during Apartheid in South Africa.   The guide showed us the solitary confinement cells and after she finished discussing the conditions and various stories, she allowed us to look around.  I walked into the entrance of one cell which was the size of a small half-bathroom covered in writing and swathed in darkness from the lack of light through the tiny peep hole door, and I felt terror.  The tiny room was so loud, violent, sad, and I felt like my chest was going to explode.  There are not many places that make me want to hyperventilate while simultaneously ugly sobbing, but this is definitely number one.  There’s not much more I wish to write about it, but I suggest you google it.

Following the tour of the prison we visited the constitutional court which was full of symbolism for traditional South African justice.  Twas beautiful.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

 

 

 

 

Summer Blues

Last week, I had a melt down at work. The reason for the meltdown isn’t really the point – but I was reminded that people don’t really care all that much about anything outside of themselves (case-in-point I am writing about myself). Because of the type of job I have, I give too much when I shouldn’t. Part of it is guilt and, I guess, the other part just wants to make things work. I want to do a good job, but I do a good job at the expense of myself, sometimes. For example: We needed pizza for an event. My car was getting worked on that day. Instead of getting a ride, I walked to the pizza place (which was closed FOR NO REASON ON A MONDAY) and then walked to the location of the event (probably 2 miles from work). Ordered pizza online and it was delivered in the nic of time. However, why didn’t I just get a ride? Or have someone else order the pizza? Why did I feel the need to make it so hard on myself? Sure, its funny because its so insane. But, its not a good pattern.

It happens like once a month. Maybe, it’s because I find it difficult to ask for help.

I have found over the last year or so that sometimes things, places, people, organizations are just broken. This proverbial jenga tower cannot be rebuilt. Or at least, I am not the person to do it. Or maybe my jenga tower is broken. It’s funny despite everything that has happened over the last 6 years, I still haven’t figured out to how to let go or give less of myself. And, it tears me up because I feel too much, too strongly, too often. I am literally feeling down because of two fictional characters right now. I am literally anxious about trying to move in with my husband and encountering people at his work. It’s not for a month.

At the end of the day, the world goes on with or without me. Work will go on. People will go on. I am not a necessity. I’m not sure why I find this such a hard concept to understand. I am not the life-saving screw. I am just one piece.

I just want to turn off my feelings for a few weeks and catch up on sleep.

In other news, there are some photos that came out nice.

P1030235P1030236P1030238P1030240P1030241P1030243P1030246P1030248P1030249UntitledUntitled2Untitled3Untitled5.jpg

2 Years

Dear Brian,

It’s been to years give or take a few days.  I didn’t forget my promise and I kept taking photographs.  We’ve seen so many different places this year.

I try to do better because I know how you would have lived.  I don’t always succeed and sometimes I question why I am here. But, I guess all I can do is try.

I’ve been so on edge and irritated lately and I wasn’t sure why until I remembered what day it was (even though I reminded myself a few days ago that I needed to make sure that I wrote this).  Then I remembered again that I am here and you are not.  Oddly enough, a storm rolled in during my realization.  I can see the lightning from my window.

I can’t say good things about the world right now, but dogs are still pretty much the best.  Our group of friends are still making their way in this life and I can’t believe its been 10 years since we first met.  I am not sure if we would still be friends now (as I regret we drifted before you died), but I know I still love you.  I know that you showed me so much about loving people and seeing the world differently.

These are the things we saw this year.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

I used my Affinity program to create collages of all these photos – and it came out pretty cool.

collagecollage 2

Love,

Lindsay