Sometimes for a few minutes I forget. I lose the tremendous load. And then it comes crashing back.
And, I feel disgusting. My stomach turns and curdles. All the memories coming back. All the one’s I would like to put away in a box for another day.
It’s not that I want to forget it all. I just can’t look right now. Seeing the faces hurts too much. My chest tightens and my heart just breaks all over again.
Sitting in the rooms of my heart – putting the boxes away. Trying to reconcile letting go and still caring. Trying to reconcile the broken promises and my own mistakes. Trying to scratch the dirt to find the truth only to learn that the truth does not equal clarity.
I just want you out of my head. I have no fight left and it doesn’t matter anymore. Take it all. I just want to be left alone here. The bottom will fall out eventually.
I wish my memory was an etch-a-sketch so I could erase the parts where I bared my heart and no one saw it. Give me a cosmic eraser – going back over the comic of my life to erase myself from collective memories.
Then no one hurts because no one remembers.