A lesson

Over the last year, I’ve tried to manage a situation that wasn’t good for me. I sacrificed parts of myself for the happiness of others and in the end – they abused it.

I kept telling myself to be better.  To be stronger.  To believe them.  To take what they said at face value. But, they told me who they really were and I wasn’t paying attention.

I found out the truth about everything on Saturday and it hurts. I know in my heart that we are all good people who do bad things. I am just as much to blame for all the mistakes I’ve made as they are.

I realised why it felt like I was losing my husband – because I was.  I was sitting here begging for him to see me, notice me, love me, and I had this feeling deep in my gut that something was wrong. That there was a lie. So many lies. But I’d ask for the truth and I tried to believe the words I received. I spent so much time staring at his phone and his iPad. Just willing myself not to do it. Not to look.

And then I did. The anger was so intense and I said unkind things. After the initial anger passed, I just felt bad for them. I felt bad that I was in the way. I offered to step aside. If that’s what you want, go for it. You’re free.

I don’t want to be the bad cop anymore. I don’t want to be part of this game anymore. I don’t want this in my life anymore.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m still trying to figure things out. I’m not sure where I’m going from here. I guess the difference this time is I know I’ll be ok whatever happens.  I have a lot of faults and a lot of things I need to work on – but I never been afraid of pain because I know I can survive it.

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