“Here’s the thing about fear, it’s always there. Fear of the unknown. Fear of facing it alone. Fear that those closest to you are the monsters. Fear that as soon as you slay one, there’s another monster waiting to take its place. Fear that there’s one more Boogeyman waiting at the end of the dark hall.” – Jug “Riverdale”
I know it probably seems like I only come here when something is wrong. I promise words can be deceiving, generally. Maybe, I feel more at home writing it all down than talking to anyone. I don’t know why I’m apologizing to you – it’s my journal and you aren’t mandated to read it.
Today was not a good day for me. It’s not too often anymore that I want to lay in bed and stare at a wall, but today was that day. The great thing about depression is that sometimes it’s just a really large stone sitting on your chest telling you that you are worthless. Everything that happens during the day reminds you just how worthless you are. There are days where you can fight all those things – where you use your coping skills to get yourself out of the pit. The days where you don’t frantically call someone because you aren’t sure you should be alone. The days where you can acknowledge, “hey this feels bad, but it’s ok.” Honestly, sometimes it’s like there’s a really annoying cheerleader in my head and I want to stab her, but she’s useful when I’m trying to get off the proverbial ground.
Sometimes, I think we get really annoyed by people telling us to look at the bright side because we’ve been slamming our brains into the bright side and the damn pistons aren’t firing. I know I spend a lot of time saying, “It’s ok,” “This isn’t a big deal,” “I can manage this problem,” “Well, that’s not so bad,” until I start suffering from random outbursts of rage and yell “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.” inappropriately. Maybe that’s part of the problem – we keep saying “it’s all ok” when it’s clearly just not ok. Nothing needs to be ok. Maybe it can just feel shitty and we can get through it and we don’t have to tell ourselves all the reasons it’s ok.
It’s probably also the shame associated with feeling shitty that doesn’t help. Why can’t I just be a cool person on instagram all the time? As I am a walking fireball of feeling, I often feel shame about feeling all these bad things. All these emotions that are not fit for human consumption. I actually spend a lot of time feeling like a really shit person for things I feel. As if no one else feels this way. I’m not sure why I always get so wrapped up that I think I’m the only one. Logically, I know I’m not. I know other people feel a whole myriad of things they’d rather not tell the world – they are probably just better at hiding it. No judgement. I wish I could hide it all better. That’s a lie. I don’t actually wish that – my general wish is to feel less of it. My emotions give me a hangover – the kind where I need to sleep for an indeterminate amount of time to recover.
So, I’m going to hope maybe tomorrow will involve less water leaking from my face and less staring at walls. And, I wish you the same.