Objects in the mirror may look closer than they appear

I’m alone in a gym class room trying to get myself out of a mild wind storm of emotion. It’s not the worst one, but it still steals a bit of joy.

Sometimes I do headstands in these rooms for fun. I stare at the mirror across the room and my body looks quite a bit smaller than I perceived earlier in the gym.

You see, like many of us, I still struggle with liking myself, my body, and stuff. There are days where I like myself – many more than I used to have – but those days where I find myself abhorrent are still hard.

I know why I feel this way today. I know it’s because I had nightmares last night and my brain is tired. I know it’s because sometimes I tell myself that I can just stop taking my medication even though I know that’s not how medication works. I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I end up here anyway.

I know I had nightmares because I’m worried about money. I’m worried about having enough employment. I’m worried about a lot of things. I’m worried about my relationship.

I get tired of handling things sometimes. I get tired of fixing them. I know I need to set better boundaries and I’m trying to but so often it just feels crappy. Sometimes I’d just like to be loved for myself and not what I can give. Sometimes the love I give out is what I want back, but that’s not how life works. And, I can’t go through life this way.

I haven’t worked my way to a solution.

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6 thoughts on “Objects in the mirror may look closer than they appear

  1. Stay strong! You’ve got this! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nightmares are the worst–I always wake up after one feeling like a bag of hammers. But keep on keeping on, my friend. Also is that a new profile pic? Very nice!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! And I agree about the bag o’ hammers. Same thing again this morning but its ok because reasons

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I would be willing to bet that you ARE loved just for who you are, rather than for what you can give. But because of your membership in this race called “humanity”, you can’t see it. Maybe you don’t really need to see it. Just know that it’s real, and keep loving the way you do.

    I’m sorry about the nightmares and the worries and the stresses. Please continue taking your meds.

    Like

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