I’m alone in a gym class room trying to get myself out of a mild wind storm of emotion. It’s not the worst one, but it still steals a bit of joy.
Sometimes I do headstands in these rooms for fun. I stare at the mirror across the room and my body looks quite a bit smaller than I perceived earlier in the gym.
You see, like many of us, I still struggle with liking myself, my body, and stuff. There are days where I like myself – many more than I used to have – but those days where I find myself abhorrent are still hard.
I know why I feel this way today. I know it’s because I had nightmares last night and my brain is tired. I know it’s because sometimes I tell myself that I can just stop taking my medication even though I know that’s not how medication works. I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I end up here anyway.
I know I had nightmares because I’m worried about money. I’m worried about having enough employment. I’m worried about a lot of things. I’m worried about my relationship.
I get tired of handling things sometimes. I get tired of fixing them. I know I need to set better boundaries and I’m trying to but so often it just feels crappy. Sometimes I’d just like to be loved for myself and not what I can give. Sometimes the love I give out is what I want back, but that’s not how life works. And, I can’t go through life this way.
I haven’t worked my way to a solution.