You know those moments where you want to be able to say something inspirational? Like, something stupid happened and you are upset and you want to be able to say, “it’s ok, everything will be alright, self. you aren’t a massive fuck up.”
I want to be able to say that. But, something stupid happened and I’m upset and I feel like a massive fuck up. I don’t really want to figure it out. I just want to throw things and be upset which would be fine except its not necessarily socially acceptable. And at the end of the day, part of me is saying “just let this go, man. it’s not worth it.” and another part of me is like “fuck this. I quit.”
This is the part where I bring up Brene Brown’s book “Rising Strong” and you get annoyed because I told you that this wasn’t an inspirational post.
“The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.” – Brene Brown
She says that we can’t go from being face down in the dirt to valiantly overcoming a problem. We can’t skip the hard parts. The messy parts.
I would very much like to take a one way ticket to a deserted island with several puppies and an umbrella drink right now. But, I can’t. I have to sit here and work through this emotional sludge and it sucks. It sucks because I’ve been working really hard to rebuild myself and I’ve been succeeding. I actually started to feel good about myself.
And then I hit a roadblock. I can’t even fix this roadblock because it’s not mine to fix even though it affects my life. So, I am temporarily incapacitated. I know that we are not defined by other people and their actions, but goddamn it hurts sometimes.
“Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.” ― Brene Brown
Tomorrow will look better. And I’ll keep trying.