I feel like no one talks about how annoying depression can be as the person experiencing it. More often we talk about how we don’t want to be treated during a depressive episode. Or, how people can be shitty during a depressive episode.
But, I just want to put out there that my depression annoys the shit out of me 90% of the time. I want to hit Depressed Lindsay with a tire iron.
Ok, so that was violent and uncalled for. Good job, self.
These feelings just pop the fuck up like I don’t already have stuff to do and inconvenience the shit out of me. Like a bunch of paper-cuts on my brain. And, I currently have a paper-cut under my thumbnail so I feel like I’m an expert in this field.
If people think it’s confusing because you are randomly leaking from your eyeballs – imagine how I feel. I don’t even know why I am crying right now. I CAN’T EVEN LOGICALLY EXPLAIN THIS TO MYSELF – HOW CAN I EXPRESS MY FEELINGS TO ANOTHER LIVING HUMAN?
And then, you have to expend all this extra effort to get out of bed, shower, and leave the house – because apparently being a hermit is not socially acceptable. I’ve been aware of this “hey, lets just melt into a puddle of violent self loathing and sadness,” for about 5 years.
It’s like going to a really terrible state fair – all the rides are the same and literally everything is gray. Sad Ferris wheel. Sad tea cup ride. Uber jolt-y kid roller coaster. Moist funnel cake, with a side of shit lemonade. I expend all this energy trying to leave this awful fair, but it takes FOR FUCKING EVER because all the exits are blocked. So, I ride these rides and go through the motions until I can get out.
It sucks. And, I’m annoyed by it. The end.