We’ve never met and I’m sorry about that. It’s an unfortunate part of the life/death thing. It sucks. I am writing to you, because I don’t have many people to talk to and I feel like I’m stuck in an emotional earthquake right now.
As you might know, we have a common person in our lives (or…we did when you were alive) that we love. I feel like I am failing that person. I mean, I feel like I am generally failing, too, but I don’t think that matters as much for the purposes of this letter.
Have you ever felt like you aren’t good enough for the person you love? And, that makes you scared that they are going to wake up realize that you are one of those lame ass marbles in comparison to the shiniest marble in the pack. You know, like the cool one that reminds you of a galaxy. You are so happy that this cool marble likes you even though you are dull and have cracks all over your frame. This marble saw you when no one else ever did. Really saw you. Or that’s what you thought at least (and thinking is almost as good as reality, right? Ok, maybe not). But other fabulous marbles come around and the galaxy marble likes to be around other cool ass marbles. Here you are, still a dirty marble and you are sitting on the sidelines watching them go be awesome. It just hurts, because you miss your marble and no matter how much you call out to them – they don’t see you anymore.
So, you get more cracks and chips. You fall apart piece by piece. You are jealous. You are pissed off. Generally these are not good costume additions to your lackluster-ness. Then you start to disappear. You become a ghost again. Watching but never acting. Waiting but they don’t see you anymore. And, that’s generally where I am at, MJ. I am so sorry. I promised you that I’d take care of this person. I’m still trying to do my best, but I fear it will never be enough and I’ll disappear for good.
That’s pretty scary. How do you love someone without trying to change them and still preserve yourself? How do you love someone when the situation is so difficult that it makes you hate everything? How do you love someone when your heart feels so broken? How do you love someone knowing they will hurt you? How do you keep going when things have been so hard? Also, how do you do this when they suck?
You’d think I’d have this shit figured out. Sorry in advance.
I feel like I’m trying to fill my cracks with Elmer’s glue when I need superglue. I feel like disappearing is the best option even though I promised I would stay and protect the marble. I feel like I’m trying so hard to make this work that I’m losing parts of myself.
I know you don’t have the answers, MJ. I know you can’t tell me how to care for this person. I know you aren’t here. I just feel like I’m in quicksand and losing my marbles. Simultaneously.
I know what you are thinking. I sound crazy as fuck. Feelings are just feelings. And, they suck. I’ll be better. I’ll get better. I’ll get up tomorrow and try again. I’ll put the pieces together even if no one can see me anymore.
And, I’ll keep loving the marble. No worries. Write when you can.