Monthly Archives: June 2017

Why can I hear you thinking?

I’ve decided I need to work in a noise proof bubble. 

Or maybe I’m just annoyed. 

So here is a list of things that make me want to claw my eyes out

1. Computer Folders with one file in them.

1a. Computer Folders with 100 files in them that have one document in each file.

2. People who inquire as to why I don’t want to do doggie play dates. BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE. 

3. Not being able to pump my own gas. (Gas pump attendants insist in the Former Soviet Union)

4. Drivers who pass 5 cars only to wait and want to merge.

5. Dog food packaging when bought online

6. When my husband asks me 50 questions before 9am and then he’s like y so cranky? Oh, you haven’t had your coffee. Yes. THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ME EVERY MORNING.

7. Being hot unless I’m working out

8. Individuals who insist on creating problems at 5 pm on Friday. 

9. Reply alls to emails that you aren’t supposed to reply all to.

10. Quotes after signature lines in emails.

11. The incorrect use of an ellipsis. 

12. Having an unbalanced house temperature. I, clearly, know this is an easy problem to have, but once again I am annoyed so I don’t care. 

13. Articles entitled “I did *this* for thirty days and this happened.” In the last year, I estimate there have been too many articles entitled this and it needs to end. I know you are trying to get readership, but jesus.

14. Any post on social media that says “one like = beautiful.” 

15.  Unilateral generational statements. Sure, there are certain trends for generations, but trash talking an entire generation of people is petty. “Are you a millenial? I’ve always wanted to meet a millenial!” Stop. 

16. Articles about saving extra money “by using these tips.” I love saving money so this is my own fault, but can anyone think of something more than: bring your lunch!; go out less!; stop going to by coffee so much. 

17. People who are like “I’m a mom with a bodybuilder physique so what’s your excuse? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT?” Listen, that’s great. But everyone doesn’t need to be like you. Stop shaming people for your own personal gratification. 

18. Uncomfortable underwear

19. Unrelated reponses to posts. Picture of Cartoon. Person responds in comments “how are you?”

20. People making the reference that I should just go get a job in the local coffee shop where my husband is stationed so that I can have a job. Even though that is: 1. Practically impossible because there is not a full bilateral work agreement where he is stationed and 2. Its just a shitty thing to “jokingly” imply. 

*mic drop* 

P.S. If you got this far, I appreciate the patience. Apparently I needed to get a lot off my chest. 

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Folding laundry

Things I fixate on while depressed:

1. Your eyebrows. Skeptical arches don’t make themselves (maybe).

2. Keeping your closet clean. I’m up to two weeks. Granted the drawers are a mess but everything is put away.

3. Folding laundry (a necessary evil for keeping your closet clean).

4. Online browsing for a marine corps birthday ball dress. Its sad how many hours I’ve spent on this. 

5. Contemplating my shoe collection. I have a minor addiction.

6. Trying to get at least 10000 steps a day and resorting to reading and walking to motivate myself. 

7. Fixating on wedding photos for several hours and then experiencing a facebook tag mania. 

8. Reading books in series too fast and finish 11 outlander books in three months without realizing you got to the last book then grieve that you have to live without the characters until the 12th book comes out.

9. Rewatch random parts of beauty and the beast several times. 

10. Worry about the shampoo you are using excessively and spend a weird amount of time in the hair care aisle of the store.

11. Name all of the stray dogs near the embassy. Develop relationships even though you can’t take any one of them home because you have two dogs.

12. Stay up late stalking family for photos and information for your massive family tree.

So, how’s married life?

This is a rant

I feel like this question is similar to:

“So, how’s it feel to be one year older?”

Well, sir. I feel completely different compared to yesterday! It’s amazing! Things are so different! I’m so glad you asked. 

I’m sure I might feel different if above-mentioned marriage meant that I was in the same country as hot husband. Or same continent. 

But we aren’t. I’m patiently waiting for my name change paperwork and the final marriage certificate, so I can change things…like life insurance beneficiaries. Yea, that’s going to make me feel different.

I like being able to say husband. And I’m still shocked they let us get married. But my other half is still on the other side of a video screen.

And if anyone says, “well at least you have video chat.” Yes, thank you. I am keenly aware that the technological advances have helped me simulate normal relationship activities for two years. If I wanted to look at the bright side, I would have an hour ago when I was crying in my shower. 

You know what else gets me? All these dude who are like: 

So what’s your name now?

Bro. It has been a week. Do you know how much paperwork and shit you have to do to change your name? And, you are asking me about this while we are standing in Moldova.  So, really? 

Then my hot husband, he who I love and cherish says this:

“What’s so hard about deciding what to change your name?”

I don’t think hot husband really thought this question through. My internal response was:

“$:&/_)$$ it’s my name!”

Also, its a dickton of paperwork. And I feel like I always get stuck with the paperwork. Paperwork to get married. Paperwork to get a marriage license. Paperwork to change my name. 

Meanwhile, every dude I meet asks me how married life is or what my name is now. 

So, in answer to the question of the hour:

Its a pain in the ass. 

The end.