Monthly Archives: March 2017

It’s amazing the things you learn by avoiding people

Last time I went to the hair dresser my boobs got groped and I was called baby alot. Hot fiance is not a hairdresser btw.

I’ve been vaguely avoiding going but my vanity is not such that my hair won’t annoy me when the color doesn’t match. 

So, today I decided to deal with my hair in the privacy of my own bathroom clad in sweatpants and sports bra. First, I took to cutting the ends of my hair because they haven’t been dealt with since like October. In case you haven’t tried it, cutting your hair can be quite cathartic. Armed with my basting brush, which I will not be using for basting ever, a toothbrush, a comb, and memories of dying my mother’s hair at 15 – I started dying away. Quite the acrobatic experience, I must say. 

It hasn’t dried yet, so it’s possible I will reopen the possibility of the handsy Turk, but maybe it looks ok. Plus in two months I go to America and I can pay someone not to give me a sexual massage and fix my hair.
Everyone wins.

Update: it doesn’t look bad at all

Also, cocoa butter does magical things like take makeup off and get rid of dye stains.

Given the title of this post, I feel compelled to list the things I have done in my mission to avoid others:

1. Figured out how to plan a wedding with the least amount of human contact possible. Email is great.  

2. Watched makeup tutorials for months in order to do my own without looking cray

3. Sat on a fence stuck in a chain link by my underwear and refused help because I was embarrassed and wanted to be left alone.

4. Cured myself of rando skin problems overseas. 

5. Repaired furniture that was damaged by a dog. To no end, but not bad as learning experiences go. 

6. How to put together furniture I shipped from Amazon and ikea alone and the trusty help of YouTube.

7. How to invest money (with advice from my mom but I dont think she counts).

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I do not wish to dream about my wedding

Because when I dream about my wedding, its a shit show on speed.

Here are the highlights from last nights dream:

1. I had to wear a retainer

2. I put blue and pink eyeshadow on different eyes

3. The groomsmen were lost

4. There was no officiant

5. My mom was late

6. I somehow ended up with eyeshadow on my retainer

7. People got accosted by mom who then was late the next day

It was weird and completely off the wall. And, I didnt even imbibe alcohol last night. I suppose it could have been the half bag of jalapeno cheetos I mainlined yesterday. Mistake.

I suppose this is normal. I do wish it was a little more realistic like a cat fight or someone smushing all the cupcakes or a drunkard making several speeches. Not, me wearing a retainer like a nube. 

I feel like rhyming

She’ll never be a waif.
Her mind will never be safe.
She won’t let you save face,
Or bow out with grace.

God forbid, you think she’s a charity case.
In silence, there will be no space.

Waves and waves on days and dies

No forgiveness when she cries.
Only thoughts that conspire,
Ire upon ire.
And tho’ you’ll tire.

Oh, she demurs
The way she purrs
a thought occurs

There’s no life even when she screams “CUR”

A Story of Caution

I was around 16 years old living in Connecticut. I didn’t have many friends so I spent a lot of my time at the library or with my sister. I felt creative one day and decided to do some constructive editing of my clothes. I’ve always been rather round so at 16 I was probably pudgy with braces and I probably was cutting my own hair. 

Anyway, I think this shirt ended up as a crop top and shorts that were probably a little short. I was walking with my sister down the street and there were a group of boys playing basketball. 

As we were walking away, they were yelling at me because apparently I was fat and gross. I remember being hurt, but I must have found an alternate way home so I didn’t feel humiliated again. 

I think everyone has stories of being called names or feeling out of place or feeling just plain hideous. 

So, here is my life lesson. 

People are cruel and the world is cruel. Don’t add meanness to it, just because you feel entitled to it. You don’t need to go out into life and tell everyone what they are doing wrong. You don’t need to go out into life and tell a person they look fat. You don’t need to go out into life and tell someone their life’s work is meaningless. You don’t need to go out in life and ruin the cashier’s day by yelling at them. You don’t need to point out to the quiet person that they are such a loser.  

You don’t need to put that badness in the world. You may be able to forget all these things but the person you did this to might be sitting in their car 14 years later thinking about it.