How to prepare and attend a social event

1. Agonize for six hours.

2. Shower. 

3. Change four times and settle on wearing hot fiance’s shirt because you feel particularly blobbish at the moment.

4. Sit in your car for 15 minutes reading so you don’t appear so early.

5. Mentally prepare yourself to walk inside.

6. Shuffle in the place of socialization like an anxious kid.

7. Make awkward puns/bad jokes and station yourself in a bar stool in the corner in order to both protect yourself but also to be the weird person who cheers people on whilst they vote for the best chilli (it was a chilli cook off).

8. Do not eat any chilli because your stomach is in violent anxiety knots and you feel like it’s entirely too hot in the room.

9. Win the spiciest chilli except you have to check and make sure it was actually your chilli.

10. Ask if you have to take a photo because everyone is staring and the room feels kind of small. Cover up violent anxiety with sarcasm.

11. Wait twenty minutes. 

12. Prance home with leftover chilli.

13. Remind yourself that this is good for you despite how uncomfortable you are. And spend the rest of the evening without pants on. 


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