Monthly Archives: February 2017

A letter to you

Yes, you. 

I know you are in the other side of the screen, so I wanted to write you a letter.

Maybe you woke up today and wanted to stop living.

Maybe today was a bad day and you want to throw in the towel.

Maybe your face is swollen and puffy from those tears.

Maybe whatever demons you fight are winning right now. 

Maybe you’re so quiet but the voices in your mind are screaming “I can’t do this.”

Take a deep breath. Nothing you are feeling now is wrong. I’m not going to tell you it gets better or easier because most of the time it doesn’t. 

But, you are strong. You are a fighter. And between battles, I pray, there is a lull in your pain. 

Some of us go through life bathed in fires. Our pain makes us stronger, but it also means we don’t find much peace. 

But, this too shall pass. Keep fighting. 

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And this is why I can’t be responsible for things

Also why I’d probably survive pretty much any massively shitty situation.

Once upon a time I decided to leave my house on a Sunday in search of a monastery to take photos of. 

I like pretty stuff and I dont mind driving a resonible amount of time to look at it. So, I drove to Curchi Monastery. This is what I found.




Also, I found these dogs and they were cute.

Whilst listening to the name of thrones sound track I drove him (btw you should totally listen to it because its magical). I kept thinking to myself “god it would suck if my car broke right now.”

I stopped at the grocery store and got myself a covrigi (#delicious)

I should have known the day was going south when I had trouble counting my money at the grocery store. I don’t know why, but I feel as though it should have been a clue.

I returned to my car and it was doing the thing where it starts and then tuckers out. Usually this happens in the cold but it wasnt particularly cold yesterday. Except this time, the car kept turning off.

Unfortunately, my survival mode kicked in and my brain was yelling very loudly to go the fuck home right now. So I hit the gas and tried to keep my rpms above zero so the car would stay on. The car did not stay on. I pissed off at least for people and almost died at least twice. I finally got to my garage but the car wouldn’t stay running for me to turn into my parking space. Probably a combination of not wanting to ask anyone for help, severe anxiety, and adrenaline helped me decide that I needed to push my car into its space. 

I moved a car in neutral at least five feet while turning it. I’m pretty sure the sounds I was making were close to the sounds you make when you’re reach constipated but don’t want to give up on your poop dreams. 

I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow although it’s seemingly running ok at the moment. Here is what I have learned from this situation:

1. I suck at car stuff and it turns me into an hyperventilating, crazy hulk beast. But just overseas. In America, it’s easier. 

2. Leaving the house was a mistake, but I have to make myself do it anyway. It helps me grow…as a person…or something…

3. Asking for help will always be fucking dreadful

4. You’d be surprised at how much crazy shit you can deal with. And, survive. (This sounds overdramatic – I mean in general not really for this particular situation)

5. A book about my life would be aptly titled “Misadventures: how do I get out of this situation without dying?”

For the bad days

I’ve been experiencing a lot of mental ups and downs lately except the downs are in the depths of glacial hell. 

Because I like lists and I’m in a great mood at the moment (because its pizza day yo) here are some helpful tips when you feel like crawling in a hole or taking up permanent residence in your bed.

1. Pizza is worth sticking around for along with a varied list of food that depends on your personal preference. 

2. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. I guarantee that there is someone out there you probably know who feels as shitty as you do right now. Probably for different reasons, but still solidarity on bad days is important.

3. Animals on the internet are pretty great even if you are sobbing and have snot all over your face. 

4. You are good at a heckin lot of stuff. Like being you. NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN BE YOU AS GOOD AS YOU.  

5. The demonic life storm cloud is not bigger than you. It feels bigger. It looks bigger. You may get struck by lightning. Or experience a tornado. But, you can totally handle this. Besides, maybe the lightning will bring out your superpowers. 

6. Eventually all the things that got you all twisted up inside will stop feeling as bad. It probably won’t stop completely ever…But a dull ache is usually better than the intense stabbing pains in your chest. 

7. Rainbows, fireworks (minus the noise), shiny things, shoes, cookies, fluffy pillows, fleece blankets, hugs from a designated list of individuals, seashells, dogs and kids are all relatively cool even when you are stuck in a pit of dispair 

Also goats in pajamas

I think that’s all I got right now. So, screw everyone who says you have to be positive and look on the bright side. It’s hard to look on the brightside when you may get struck by proverbial lightning but it may add and extra zing to the pepperoni on your pizza. Sometimes, embracing our pain is the way through it. 

Cooking topless and other things you should try alone

Post workout yesterday I found myself cooking topless because I was doing laundry and it was a quite a gratifying experience. Then I started to make a mental list of things I enjoy about being the only human in my house right now. 

1. Cooking topless. You may have cooked sans pants because that’s more socially normal but I have to stay cooking sans shirt can be quite pleasant. How often do your boobs get to experience freedom? 

2. Watching bad movies sans other human judgement. I love bad romantic movies. I hate when people ruin them with their peasant opinions.

3. Eating alone in a restaurant. As someone with a number of painful anxieties, you would think eating alone would be awful. But its great. I don’t have to worry about sharing or people just wanting appetizers or thinking that I eat like a cow. The wait staff always seems nicer and I can play on my phone or read. It’s great. 

4. Tourism is great when you are alone. No talking, no planning. You kind of just decide to go and no one has to know. You dont even have to pack snacks if you don’t want to. Sometimes I just randomly go to a historical place and its great. Except right now because its cold and snowy.

5. Ok I’m back to food again but when you are alone no one is going to hate on your weird food combos. Like two weeks ago I ate frozen peas and raw brussel sprouts for dinner. I’m not sure whether that’s depression or freeing but no one was going to complain about it either.

6.  Sitting in your car alone is pretty great too. You can listen to music, read, or kind of just hang out. You can hang out in a car with very few people without it getting weird. I write in the car.

7. Ugly laughing is much more fun in the privacy of the alone cone. Explaining to another human why I find fat cats so hilarious is never as funny to another person as it is to me. 

I mean, how can you not love that. 

8. Taking weird selfies. Can’t do the below with another human around

9. Dog shaming isn’t nearly as fun when another human is around to be all like stoppppp

10. I find hair styling videos and cake making videos mesmerizing. You simply cannot watch those with another human and truly relax. 

How to prepare and attend a social event

1. Agonize for six hours.

2. Shower. 

3. Change four times and settle on wearing hot fiance’s shirt because you feel particularly blobbish at the moment.

4. Sit in your car for 15 minutes reading so you don’t appear so early.

5. Mentally prepare yourself to walk inside.

6. Shuffle in the place of socialization like an anxious kid.

7. Make awkward puns/bad jokes and station yourself in a bar stool in the corner in order to both protect yourself but also to be the weird person who cheers people on whilst they vote for the best chilli (it was a chilli cook off).

8. Do not eat any chilli because your stomach is in violent anxiety knots and you feel like it’s entirely too hot in the room.

9. Win the spiciest chilli except you have to check and make sure it was actually your chilli.

10. Ask if you have to take a photo because everyone is staring and the room feels kind of small. Cover up violent anxiety with sarcasm.

11. Wait twenty minutes. 

12. Prance home with leftover chilli.

13. Remind yourself that this is good for you despite how uncomfortable you are. And spend the rest of the evening without pants on.