No, I’m actually crying. Or I was. I just ate my feelings with chinese food.
It’d be nice to believe that I’m not an emotional punk, but I am.
That’s who I’ve always been. The emotional one. Do you know many guidance counselors I have been too? I don’t actually know the answer to that, but this all reminds me why my punk ass is medicated.
However, there are times where even the medication doesnt stop the devastating feeling when another person hurts me. And it’s ok to be hurt because people have their own motivations for their actions, but…a change has to occur at some point in adulthood so that you don’t end up committing yourself.
Change is painful. I keep reminding myself that if change was easy it wouldn’t be worth it. I’m starting to realize that it is easy for me to be a dumping ground for pain. People don’t do it on purpose, usually, but the build up of being a box where I let others put their emotions is not healthy. It’s never been healthy. And, it eats away at me.
I am sure somewhere I believe I am helping them, but the truth is they don’t need me for that. No one needs or wants you to suck up all of their pain and make it better. Or maybe they do. I’m not good at diserning these things.
And I’m the only one it hurts in the end because I believe that my worth is based in my ability to provide you a service. And even though I am good at fixing problems, I am not an objective party. I can’t parse others feelings for them. I can’t motivate them to change their behavior. I don’t have the degrees for that.
All I can do is wake up everyday and try to be a good human. That’s what my baseline is. No more.