I do not wish to dream about my wedding

Because when I dream about my wedding, its a shit show on speed.

Here are the highlights from last nights dream:

1. I had to wear a retainer

2. I put blue and pink eyeshadow on different eyes

3. The groomsmen were lost

4. There was no officiant

5. My mom was late

6. I somehow ended up with eyeshadow on my retainer

7. People got accosted by mom who then was late the next day

It was weird and completely off the wall. And, I didnt even imbibe alcohol last night. I suppose it could have been the half bag of jalapeno cheetos I mainlined yesterday. Mistake.

I suppose this is normal. I do wish it was a little more realistic like a cat fight or someone smushing all the cupcakes or a drunkard making several speeches. Not, me wearing a retainer like a nube. 

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I feel like rhyming

She’ll never be a waif.
Her mind will never be safe.
She won’t let you save face,
Or bow out with grace.

God forbid, you think she’s a charity case.
In silence, there will be no space.

Waves and waves on days and dies

No forgiveness when she cries.
Only thoughts that conspire,
Ire upon ire.
And tho’ you’ll tire.

Oh, she demurs
The way she purrs
a thought occurs

There’s no life even when she screams “CUR”

A Story of Caution

I was around 16 years old living in Connecticut. I didn’t have many friends so I spent a lot of my time at the library or with my sister. I felt creative one day and decided to do some constructive editing of my clothes. I’ve always been rather round so at 16 I was probably pudgy with braces and I probably was cutting my own hair. 

Anyway, I think this shirt ended up as a crop top and shorts that were probably a little short. I was walking with my sister down the street and there were a group of boys playing basketball. 

As we were walking away, they were yelling at me because apparently I was fat and gross. I remember being hurt, but I must have found an alternate way home so I didn’t feel humiliated again. 

I think everyone has stories of being called names or feeling out of place or feeling just plain hideous. 

So, here is my life lesson. 

People are cruel and the world is cruel. Don’t add meanness to it, just because you feel entitled to it. You don’t need to go out into life and tell everyone what they are doing wrong. You don’t need to go out into life and tell a person they look fat. You don’t need to go out into life and tell someone their life’s work is meaningless. You don’t need to go out in life and ruin the cashier’s day by yelling at them. You don’t need to point out to the quiet person that they are such a loser.  

You don’t need to put that badness in the world. You may be able to forget all these things but the person you did this to might be sitting in their car 14 years later thinking about it. 

A letter to you

Yes, you. 

I know you are in the other side of the screen, so I wanted to write you a letter.

Maybe you woke up today and wanted to stop living.

Maybe today was a bad day and you want to throw in the towel.

Maybe your face is swollen and puffy from those tears.

Maybe whatever demons you fight are winning right now. 

Maybe you’re so quiet but the voices in your mind are screaming “I can’t do this.”

Take a deep breath. Nothing you are feeling now is wrong. I’m not going to tell you it gets better or easier because most of the time it doesn’t. 

But, you are strong. You are a fighter. And between battles, I pray, there is a lull in your pain. 

Some of us go through life bathed in fires. Our pain makes us stronger, but it also means we don’t find much peace. 

But, this too shall pass. Keep fighting. 

And this is why I can’t be responsible for things

Also why I’d probably survive pretty much any massively shitty situation.

Once upon a time I decided to leave my house on a Sunday in search of a monastery to take photos of. 

I like pretty stuff and I dont mind driving a resonible amount of time to look at it. So, I drove to Curchi Monastery. This is what I found.




Also, I found these dogs and they were cute.

Whilst listening to the name of thrones sound track I drove him (btw you should totally listen to it because its magical). I kept thinking to myself “god it would suck if my car broke right now.”

I stopped at the grocery store and got myself a covrigi (#delicious)

I should have known the day was going south when I had trouble counting my money at the grocery store. I don’t know why, but I feel as though it should have been a clue.

I returned to my car and it was doing the thing where it starts and then tuckers out. Usually this happens in the cold but it wasnt particularly cold yesterday. Except this time, the car kept turning off.

Unfortunately, my survival mode kicked in and my brain was yelling very loudly to go the fuck home right now. So I hit the gas and tried to keep my rpms above zero so the car would stay on. The car did not stay on. I pissed off at least for people and almost died at least twice. I finally got to my garage but the car wouldn’t stay running for me to turn into my parking space. Probably a combination of not wanting to ask anyone for help, severe anxiety, and adrenaline helped me decide that I needed to push my car into its space. 

I moved a car in neutral at least five feet while turning it. I’m pretty sure the sounds I was making were close to the sounds you make when you’re reach constipated but don’t want to give up on your poop dreams. 

I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow although it’s seemingly running ok at the moment. Here is what I have learned from this situation:

1. I suck at car stuff and it turns me into an hyperventilating, crazy hulk beast. But just overseas. In America, it’s easier. 

2. Leaving the house was a mistake, but I have to make myself do it anyway. It helps me grow…as a person…or something…

3. Asking for help will always be fucking dreadful

4. You’d be surprised at how much crazy shit you can deal with. And, survive. (This sounds overdramatic – I mean in general not really for this particular situation)

5. A book about my life would be aptly titled “Misadventures: how do I get out of this situation without dying?”

For the bad days

I’ve been experiencing a lot of mental ups and downs lately except the downs are in the depths of glacial hell. 

Because I like lists and I’m in a great mood at the moment (because its pizza day yo) here are some helpful tips when you feel like crawling in a hole or taking up permanent residence in your bed.

1. Pizza is worth sticking around for along with a varied list of food that depends on your personal preference. 

2. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. I guarantee that there is someone out there you probably know who feels as shitty as you do right now. Probably for different reasons, but still solidarity on bad days is important.

3. Animals on the internet are pretty great even if you are sobbing and have snot all over your face. 

4. You are good at a heckin lot of stuff. Like being you. NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN BE YOU AS GOOD AS YOU.  

5. The demonic life storm cloud is not bigger than you. It feels bigger. It looks bigger. You may get struck by lightning. Or experience a tornado. But, you can totally handle this. Besides, maybe the lightning will bring out your superpowers. 

6. Eventually all the things that got you all twisted up inside will stop feeling as bad. It probably won’t stop completely ever…But a dull ache is usually better than the intense stabbing pains in your chest. 

7. Rainbows, fireworks (minus the noise), shiny things, shoes, cookies, fluffy pillows, fleece blankets, hugs from a designated list of individuals, seashells, dogs and kids are all relatively cool even when you are stuck in a pit of dispair 

Also goats in pajamas

I think that’s all I got right now. So, screw everyone who says you have to be positive and look on the bright side. It’s hard to look on the brightside when you may get struck by proverbial lightning but it may add and extra zing to the pepperoni on your pizza. Sometimes, embracing our pain is the way through it. 

Cooking topless and other things you should try alone

Post workout yesterday I found myself cooking topless because I was doing laundry and it was a quite a gratifying experience. Then I started to make a mental list of things I enjoy about being the only human in my house right now. 

1. Cooking topless. You may have cooked sans pants because that’s more socially normal but I have to stay cooking sans shirt can be quite pleasant. How often do your boobs get to experience freedom? 

2. Watching bad movies sans other human judgement. I love bad romantic movies. I hate when people ruin them with their peasant opinions.

3. Eating alone in a restaurant. As someone with a number of painful anxieties, you would think eating alone would be awful. But its great. I don’t have to worry about sharing or people just wanting appetizers or thinking that I eat like a cow. The wait staff always seems nicer and I can play on my phone or read. It’s great. 

4. Tourism is great when you are alone. No talking, no planning. You kind of just decide to go and no one has to know. You dont even have to pack snacks if you don’t want to. Sometimes I just randomly go to a historical place and its great. Except right now because its cold and snowy.

5. Ok I’m back to food again but when you are alone no one is going to hate on your weird food combos. Like two weeks ago I ate frozen peas and raw brussel sprouts for dinner. I’m not sure whether that’s depression or freeing but no one was going to complain about it either.

6.  Sitting in your car alone is pretty great too. You can listen to music, read, or kind of just hang out. You can hang out in a car with very few people without it getting weird. I write in the car.

7. Ugly laughing is much more fun in the privacy of the alone cone. Explaining to another human why I find fat cats so hilarious is never as funny to another person as it is to me. 

I mean, how can you not love that. 

8. Taking weird selfies. Can’t do the below with another human around

9. Dog shaming isn’t nearly as fun when another human is around to be all like stoppppp

10. I find hair styling videos and cake making videos mesmerizing. You simply cannot watch those with another human and truly relax. 

How to prepare and attend a social event

1. Agonize for six hours.

2. Shower. 

3. Change four times and settle on wearing hot fiance’s shirt because you feel particularly blobbish at the moment.

4. Sit in your car for 15 minutes reading so you don’t appear so early.

5. Mentally prepare yourself to walk inside.

6. Shuffle in the place of socialization like an anxious kid.

7. Make awkward puns/bad jokes and station yourself in a bar stool in the corner in order to both protect yourself but also to be the weird person who cheers people on whilst they vote for the best chilli (it was a chilli cook off).

8. Do not eat any chilli because your stomach is in violent anxiety knots and you feel like it’s entirely too hot in the room.

9. Win the spiciest chilli except you have to check and make sure it was actually your chilli.

10. Ask if you have to take a photo because everyone is staring and the room feels kind of small. Cover up violent anxiety with sarcasm.

11. Wait twenty minutes. 

12. Prance home with leftover chilli.

13. Remind yourself that this is good for you despite how uncomfortable you are. And spend the rest of the evening without pants on. 

Falling out of windows

#tw

I have been known to run in races. I ran one today. It was a 10k in a wine cellar and limestone mine. I did pretty well considering I haven’t been so focused on running.

The one thing after races that always bothers me is I sink very low afterwards. Sometimes I get kind of hysterical. I seem to forget until it happens. I’ve run so many longer, tougher races that I didnt think it would hit me like this. 

Between the news and all the pain I see on the internet, I’d really like to fall out of a window in the least suicidal way possible and give someone my life. 

I will not fall out of a window. I have dogs to take care of and a life to deal with. I just am trying to find the line between staying engaged in my civic duty and trying to donate where I can and write letters and sign petitions, but not let all of it eat me up.

But it eats at me. I’m so far away and its hard to feel connected to my country. So much of the pain is so intense and it doesn’t have to be this way and yet it is. I feel like my heart is being squeezed by a demon. And sometimes it goes away for awhile and then there is another death or terrible thing and it comes back. 

And, I have no right to feel this way.  

I can’t trust my brain at least forty-five percent of the time.

Maybe more. It depends on what time of day it is. January has her claws latched into me and I just calculated how to spend less on my caffeine addiction without having to change my consumption. Then I unsubscribed from like forty emails which was oddly gratifying. 

Whereas a week ago I was all idea mania, the logical one is trying to pick up the pieces and make adult decisions so we aren’t broke. Idea mania wants to give all her money away. The logical one is trying to figure out stock trading. And I am just trying to exist in the neutral zone. Or somewhere in the middle. Or somewhere not inside my brain. 

See, I never really know who is right between the various versions of myself. Maybe they are all right in some way.

I’m trying to let them both have turns without letting either do anything too crazy. I guess this is what parenthood is like. Or marriage. 

But, the hot fiance evens me out when I really need it. He may just have to hide the internet from me on occasion. 

Look at him. So pretty.