I was going to write about self-care then I stabbed myself in the eye with a toothbrush

Hello. 

As you may know, self-care is important. Today, in an effort to feel less like death warmed over, I decided I was going to put on a dress, do my makeup, and take myself out to lunch. 

Everything was going well until I looked at my face from another light source. I had done my makeup and went out onto my balcony to make sure I looked ok. I did not. I looked like that drunk white girl at a frat party who was stumbling about telling everyone how much she loves everyone. She’s annoying. Her face is falling off and her chaperone needs to come get her. 

(I can’t claim to be that different because I get drunk and tell people I love their eyebrows. In my defense, fancy eyebrows might as well be art.)

Anywho, I tried to fix it. Changing lipstick or toning it down. I only proceeded to turn into the drunk aunt with drifting lipstick. (Or that one time at the ball where I drank tooo much gin then got belligerent. I’m sorry hot husband.)

Not to self: GIN DOES NOT SAVE LIVES
So while de-makeuping I was brushing my eyebrows out with a tooth brush which is separate from my actual tooth brush and somehow stabbed myself in the eyeball.

When I say that I would rather go blind then ever feel that again I’m not joking. That shit felt like getting an angry tattoo on my cornea. 

My eye still hurts and its been an hour.  

So I can’t talk to you about liking yourself today. I dont like myself at all. But, collectively, we should hate ourselves a bit less. Even if you fail at becoming an instagram level make up artist. Maybe its not so much even liking yourself as it is accepting yourself in your current state.

So, here is an effort to hash out the things that make me weird and awesome. You should make a list too, because I bet you’re wicked cool. 

1. One of my eyelids droops more than the other. And if I’m tired or drinking it’s even worse.

2. Pretty sure my lips are uneven. Also I’m pretty sure I get lipstick on my teeth MORE THAN ANYONE. JESUS CHRIST.

3. I have scars on my knees that look like bruises. They are all from tripping over my own feet which leads me to my next point.

4. I’m pigeon toed as a motherfucker

Ignore everything else and look at my feet in this picture.

AS A MOTHERFUCKER.

5.  My lip hair has gotten darker in recent years so I have to try and make it look like I’m stashe-less in makeup. For some reason that just makes it worse. 

6. I’ve been overweight most of my life except for a handful of times. I’m overweight right now, but I work out and try to be healthy. I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself that I don’t need to be a certain weight. 

7. I hate bras. I’d rather freeboob life. I don’t really care if my nips bother you

8. My feet remind me of when the Beast from beauty and the beast gets turned back to a human at the end. 

Yea, that guy. Actually in pretty much all of his lower body is me. 

9. I get rando dark hairs in strange places. Not to sound cliche, but I blame the entire French Canadian side of the family.

10. I legitimately have a hereditary mole on my ass. Yes. I shit you not (PUN). Three generations.

11. I suck at every sport except running and maybe yoga. When I was on sports teams, I was generally the resident fuck up.  Zero coordination. 

12. I tap my head when I have a panic attack. 

13. When I cry, I get snot everywhere. Its like my body is producing phlegm just for fun. Hot husband has gotten alot of snot on him. 

14.  I hate spandex underwear. They give me wedgies because of my big ass. 

15. I’m obsessed with my hair. For this reason, I literally can’t stop buying shampoo. Its an addiction. I have like five different kinds not including conditioner. WHY DO I FALL FOR THE MARKETING PLOYS EVERY SINGLE TIME?

In closing, I hope this brightens your day and makes you laugh. I’m going to continue eating this hummus thats going to my ass. 

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My psychosomatic malaria is acting up

*caveat*

I know I don’t have malaria. Its a very serious disease that is very painful.

*end caveat*

I’ve felt pretty awful since last Saturday. It feels like my body is revolting against me. Everything hurts and I’m tired all the time. My fitness tracker is like, “You’re down forty three percent. Do better.” I thought about going to the doctor, but here’s how this would go:

Me: I’m tired and every joint hurts

Doctor: any other symptoms

Me: umm..Everything hurts

Doctor: are you sure this isn’t symptomatic of your depression?

Me: my depression doesnt make my fingers swell up.

So I don’t go to the doctor. I feel like curling up in the bed and not getting up. I’m not really sure if it’s in my head or actually physical. I just keep hoping I feel better tomorrow.

This was supposed to be funnier than it was…

No, pet shipper you are incorrect

I am trying to ship my dogs to South Africa and let me just say shipping dogs is still a pain in the ass.

However, its not a pain in the ass because its difficult. Its a pain in the ass, because I keep talking to people who know nothing about dog shipping or think I know nothing about it which is fair. I know many companies deal with people that have no idea how to ship dogs, but I’ve done this three times. Its not my first rodeo. 

As I have to use a pet shipper to import my dofs to south africa and a cargo company to fly my dogs, I have spent much of the last month talking to people about my dogs. The person I am using to import my dogs to south africa is great. He clearly does this all the time and is an expert which is why I am happy to give him all my mineu. However, trying to get my dogs out of Moldova and in the air is proving difficult. Yesterday, a company told me that they could only fly my dogs out of moldova one way through Romania which would have been ok if they were willing to work with me on driving the dogs to the airport in Romania, but they were like no we can’t do that. I know it’s difficult because we have small planes in Moldova – but I know that there’s more than one way to move animals.  

Any company that says there is just one way to get dogs out of a country is usually wrong. Maybe not, but they are wrong in this case and it irritated me. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s not really their wrongness as much as their inability to look at this problem from a different perspective. That’s usually something that bothers me about having to pay someone for something I know I can figure out but I need them to do something simple like book a ticket. 

But, I think I finally found a company through Turkish cargo that will give me the flight stuff I need to get the dogs there. 

All in the name of love. And family. And trying to get back to this guy. 

I am reminded someone who once told me, “you can have anything you want, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy.”

Why can I hear you thinking?

I’ve decided I need to work in a noise proof bubble. 

Or maybe I’m just annoyed. 

So here is a list of things that make me want to claw my eyes out

1. Computer Folders with one file in them.

1a. Computer Folders with 100 files in them that have one document in each file.

2. People who inquire as to why I don’t want to do doggie play dates. BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME WANT TO HYPERVENTILATE. 

3. Not being able to pump my own gas. (Gas pump attendants insist in the Former Soviet Union)

4. Drivers who pass 5 cars only to wait and want to merge.

5. Dog food packaging when bought online

6. When my husband asks me 50 questions before 9am and then he’s like y so cranky? Oh, you haven’t had your coffee. Yes. THE SAME PROBLEM WITH ME EVERY MORNING.

7. Being hot unless I’m working out

8. Individuals who insist on creating problems at 5 pm on Friday. 

9. Reply alls to emails that you aren’t supposed to reply all to.

10. Quotes after signature lines in emails.

11. The incorrect use of an ellipsis. 

12. Having an unbalanced house temperature. I, clearly, know this is an easy problem to have, but once again I am annoyed so I don’t care. 

13. Articles entitled “I did *this* for thirty days and this happened.” In the last year, I estimate there have been too many articles entitled this and it needs to end. I know you are trying to get readership, but jesus.

14. Any post on social media that says “one like = beautiful.” 

15.  Unilateral generational statements. Sure, there are certain trends for generations, but trash talking an entire generation of people is petty. “Are you a millenial? I’ve always wanted to meet a millenial!” Stop. 

16. Articles about saving extra money “by using these tips.” I love saving money so this is my own fault, but can anyone think of something more than: bring your lunch!; go out less!; stop going to by coffee so much. 

17. People who are like “I’m a mom with a bodybuilder physique so what’s your excuse? WHY DON’T YOU HAVE TIME TO WORK OUT?” Listen, that’s great. But everyone doesn’t need to be like you. Stop shaming people for your own personal gratification. 

18. Uncomfortable underwear

19. Unrelated reponses to posts. Picture of Cartoon. Person responds in comments “how are you?”

20. People making the reference that I should just go get a job in the local coffee shop where my husband is stationed so that I can have a job. Even though that is: 1. Practically impossible because there is not a full bilateral work agreement where he is stationed and 2. Its just a shitty thing to “jokingly” imply. 

*mic drop* 

P.S. If you got this far, I appreciate the patience. Apparently I needed to get a lot off my chest. 

Folding laundry

Things I fixate on while depressed:

1. Your eyebrows. Skeptical arches don’t make themselves (maybe).

2. Keeping your closet clean. I’m up to two weeks. Granted the drawers are a mess but everything is put away.

3. Folding laundry (a necessary evil for keeping your closet clean).

4. Online browsing for a marine corps birthday ball dress. Its sad how many hours I’ve spent on this. 

5. Contemplating my shoe collection. I have a minor addiction.

6. Trying to get at least 10000 steps a day and resorting to reading and walking to motivate myself. 

7. Fixating on wedding photos for several hours and then experiencing a facebook tag mania. 

8. Reading books in series too fast and finish 11 outlander books in three months without realizing you got to the last book then grieve that you have to live without the characters until the 12th book comes out.

9. Rewatch random parts of beauty and the beast several times. 

10. Worry about the shampoo you are using excessively and spend a weird amount of time in the hair care aisle of the store.

11. Name all of the stray dogs near the embassy. Develop relationships even though you can’t take any one of them home because you have two dogs.

12. Stay up late stalking family for photos and information for your massive family tree.

So, how’s married life?

This is a rant

I feel like this question is similar to:

“So, how’s it feel to be one year older?”

Well, sir. I feel completely different compared to yesterday! It’s amazing! Things are so different! I’m so glad you asked. 

I’m sure I might feel different if above-mentioned marriage meant that I was in the same country as hot husband. Or same continent. 

But we aren’t. I’m patiently waiting for my name change paperwork and the final marriage certificate, so I can change things…like life insurance beneficiaries. Yea, that’s going to make me feel different.

I like being able to say husband. And I’m still shocked they let us get married. But my other half is still on the other side of a video screen.

And if anyone says, “well at least you have video chat.” Yes, thank you. I am keenly aware that the technological advances have helped me simulate normal relationship activities for two years. If I wanted to look at the bright side, I would have an hour ago when I was crying in my shower. 

You know what else gets me? All these dude who are like: 

So what’s your name now?

Bro. It has been a week. Do you know how much paperwork and shit you have to do to change your name? And, you are asking me about this while we are standing in Moldova.  So, really? 

Then my hot husband, he who I love and cherish says this:

“What’s so hard about deciding what to change your name?”

I don’t think hot husband really thought this question through. My internal response was:

“$:&/_)$$ it’s my name!”

Also, its a dickton of paperwork. And I feel like I always get stuck with the paperwork. Paperwork to get married. Paperwork to get a marriage license. Paperwork to change my name. 

Meanwhile, every dude I meet asks me how married life is or what my name is now. 

So, in answer to the question of the hour:

Its a pain in the ass. 

The end. 

I broke my introvert

As you may well know, I got hitched to hot husband. In the week since, I think I’ve slept more than I’ve been awake (much to the disdain of hot husband). 

The epic journey started in Moldova on a plane. I flew to Charlotte via Vienna and Munich where my sister picked me up so I could watch her get promoted to captain. 

So fancy.

Then we woke up at midnight and drove for 16 hours to Connecticut with my sister’s dog Oscar. 

Maybe not the best idea. By the time we got to Jersey (where HH is from) I was delirious and felt like I was surrounded by thousands of hot husbands driving like maniacs. 

Then, two days later it was four hours to Vermont on Monday. We arrived in Stowe to this bad ass cabin with big beds and faux fur blankets that I wore like a cape to channel my inner Jon Snow. (No pictures of my fabulous cape, but heres some of Burlington)

We did the whole wedding preamble thing. There were venue things and flower things and wine things. Diy flower arrangements are actually not to difficult and kind of fun. The florist did our bouquets so that was much less stressful.

My sister planned this epic DIY wine tasting with my friends and it was magical.

And it was all great. Then we got married and stuff. 


The day after the wedding HH and I got on on a plane to come home to Moldova with the dogs. For the last six days, I have been exhausted. My introvert and socially anxious kid inside of me have gone into hiding. And sense I can’t function without them, I guess I’ve just been sleeping.

I dont know if its because the wedding is finally over and that we managed to actually get married (I know you may think its a pretty simple process but due to HH’s job we had to fill out a crap ton of paperwork and finally got approved on April 27th). Or if my social meter was just clocked out (so many people).

Or if I was sad that we had one week until we are apart again until we figure out a solution to both of our jobs and the miles that separate us.

I have to go back to work tomorrow and I’m pretty sure I’ll slip into a coma at around 2:00pm.

Spring in Germany

In March I went to Germany to see Hot Husband during his region’s training exercise at one of the air force bases. It was my first foray into official spouse territory, which no one tells you is scary as fuck (50% marriage being generally scary). Growing up around the military gives you an understanding of things, but I often feel like I’m in uncharted territory with the marines.  (One would think I would understand that being born into a certain community is vastly different to voluntarily joining it, but I’ve a thick skull.)

On the bright side, I got to hop around Germany in Kaiserslautern and Heidelberg. Naturally, I took photos.