As you may know, self-care is important. Today, in an effort to feel less like death warmed over, I decided I was going to put on a dress, do my makeup, and take myself out to lunch.
Everything was going well until I looked at my face from another light source. I had done my makeup and went out onto my balcony to make sure I looked ok. I did not. I looked like that drunk white girl at a frat party who was stumbling about telling everyone how much she loves everyone. She’s annoying. Her face is falling off and her chaperone needs to come get her.
(I can’t claim to be that different because I get drunk and tell people I love their eyebrows. In my defense, fancy eyebrows might as well be art.)
Anywho, I tried to fix it. Changing lipstick or toning it down. I only proceeded to turn into the drunk aunt with drifting lipstick. (Or that one time at the ball where I drank tooo much gin then got belligerent. I’m sorry hot husband.)
Not to self: GIN DOES NOT SAVE LIVES
So while de-makeuping I was brushing my eyebrows out with a tooth brush which is separate from my actual tooth brush and somehow stabbed myself in the eyeball.
When I say that I would rather go blind then ever feel that again I’m not joking. That shit felt like getting an angry tattoo on my cornea.
My eye still hurts and its been an hour.
So I can’t talk to you about liking yourself today. I dont like myself at all. But, collectively, we should hate ourselves a bit less. Even if you fail at becoming an instagram level make up artist. Maybe its not so much even liking yourself as it is accepting yourself in your current state.
So, here is an effort to hash out the things that make me weird and awesome. You should make a list too, because I bet you’re wicked cool.
1. One of my eyelids droops more than the other. And if I’m tired or drinking it’s even worse.
2. Pretty sure my lips are uneven. Also I’m pretty sure I get lipstick on my teeth MORE THAN ANYONE. JESUS CHRIST.
3. I have scars on my knees that look like bruises. They are all from tripping over my own feet which leads me to my next point.
4. I’m pigeon toed as a motherfucker
Ignore everything else and look at my feet in this picture.
AS A MOTHERFUCKER.
5. My lip hair has gotten darker in recent years so I have to try and make it look like I’m stashe-less in makeup. For some reason that just makes it worse.
6. I’ve been overweight most of my life except for a handful of times. I’m overweight right now, but I work out and try to be healthy. I spend a lot of time trying to teach myself that I don’t need to be a certain weight.
7. I hate bras. I’d rather freeboob life. I don’t really care if my nips bother you
8. My feet remind me of when the Beast from beauty and the beast gets turned back to a human at the end.
Yea, that guy. Actually in pretty much all of his lower body is me.
9. I get rando dark hairs in strange places. Not to sound cliche, but I blame the entire French Canadian side of the family.
10. I legitimately have a hereditary mole on my ass. Yes. I shit you not (PUN). Three generations.
11. I suck at every sport except running and maybe yoga. When I was on sports teams, I was generally the resident fuck up. Zero coordination.
12. I tap my head when I have a panic attack.
13. When I cry, I get snot everywhere. Its like my body is producing phlegm just for fun. Hot husband has gotten alot of snot on him.
14. I hate spandex underwear. They give me wedgies because of my big ass.
15. I’m obsessed with my hair. For this reason, I literally can’t stop buying shampoo. Its an addiction. I have like five different kinds not including conditioner. WHY DO I FALL FOR THE MARKETING PLOYS EVERY SINGLE TIME?
In closing, I hope this brightens your day and makes you laugh. I’m going to continue eating this hummus thats going to my ass.