Spring was here

Although, it snowed for 36 hours so I’m not sure when spring will return. 

I have alot of thoughts right now, but most of them are stuck in my mind in an incoherent jumble. 

So, here are more photos until I figure it out.
















Advertisements

You don’t like my resting bitch face until you need directions!

As you my have discerned from the title, my resting bitch face (RBF) seems to cause people to have a philosophical explosion with helpful little quips like “smile,” or “why do you look so sad?” 

The lovely little thoughts I have regarding these little jewels of advice can only be described as rage induced murder daydreams.

Although whilst I was traveling, I was asked for directions several times. Considering that RBF is a lifetime condition I have made the following determination:

You want me to smile until you are lost as shit then you want someone who looks like they know where they are going.

Except I WAS ALSO LOST. HA! You have been bamboozled by my faux self assurance.

I was only 50% lost. So, because RBF doesnt make me want to intentionally mislead you, I helped you out.

Because people RBF are capable of a myrid

Also, we are probably better at poker. 

It’s amazing the things you learn by avoiding people

Last time I went to the hair dresser my boobs got groped and I was called baby alot. Hot fiance is not a hairdresser btw.

I’ve been vaguely avoiding going but my vanity is not such that my hair won’t annoy me when the color doesn’t match. 

So, today I decided to deal with my hair in the privacy of my own bathroom clad in sweatpants and sports bra. First, I took to cutting the ends of my hair because they haven’t been dealt with since like October. In case you haven’t tried it, cutting your hair can be quite cathartic. Armed with my basting brush, which I will not be using for basting ever, a toothbrush, a comb, and memories of dying my mother’s hair at 15 – I started dying away. Quite the acrobatic experience, I must say. 

It hasn’t dried yet, so it’s possible I will reopen the possibility of the handsy Turk, but maybe it looks ok. Plus in two months I go to America and I can pay someone not to give me a sexual massage and fix my hair.
Everyone wins.

Update: it doesn’t look bad at all

Also, cocoa butter does magical things like take makeup off and get rid of dye stains.

Given the title of this post, I feel compelled to list the things I have done in my mission to avoid others:

1. Figured out how to plan a wedding with the least amount of human contact possible. Email is great.  

2. Watched makeup tutorials for months in order to do my own without looking cray

3. Sat on a fence stuck in a chain link by my underwear and refused help because I was embarrassed and wanted to be left alone.

4. Cured myself of rando skin problems overseas. 

5. Repaired furniture that was damaged by a dog. To no end, but not bad as learning experiences go. 

6. How to put together furniture I shipped from Amazon and ikea alone and the trusty help of YouTube.

7. How to invest money (with advice from my mom but I dont think she counts).

I do not wish to dream about my wedding

Because when I dream about my wedding, its a shit show on speed.

Here are the highlights from last nights dream:

1. I had to wear a retainer

2. I put blue and pink eyeshadow on different eyes

3. The groomsmen were lost

4. There was no officiant

5. My mom was late

6. I somehow ended up with eyeshadow on my retainer

7. People got accosted by mom who then was late the next day

It was weird and completely off the wall. And, I didnt even imbibe alcohol last night. I suppose it could have been the half bag of jalapeno cheetos I mainlined yesterday. Mistake.

I suppose this is normal. I do wish it was a little more realistic like a cat fight or someone smushing all the cupcakes or a drunkard making several speeches. Not, me wearing a retainer like a nube. 

I feel like rhyming

She’ll never be a waif.
Her mind will never be safe.
She won’t let you save face,
Or bow out with grace.

God forbid, you think she’s a charity case.
In silence, there will be no space.

Waves and waves on days and dies

No forgiveness when she cries.
Only thoughts that conspire,
Ire upon ire.
And tho’ you’ll tire.

Oh, she demurs
The way she purrs
a thought occurs

There’s no life even when she screams “CUR”

A Story of Caution

I was around 16 years old living in Connecticut. I didn’t have many friends so I spent a lot of my time at the library or with my sister. I felt creative one day and decided to do some constructive editing of my clothes. I’ve always been rather round so at 16 I was probably pudgy with braces and I probably was cutting my own hair. 

Anyway, I think this shirt ended up as a crop top and shorts that were probably a little short. I was walking with my sister down the street and there were a group of boys playing basketball. 

As we were walking away, they were yelling at me because apparently I was fat and gross. I remember being hurt, but I must have found an alternate way home so I didn’t feel humiliated again. 

I think everyone has stories of being called names or feeling out of place or feeling just plain hideous. 

So, here is my life lesson. 

People are cruel and the world is cruel. Don’t add meanness to it, just because you feel entitled to it. You don’t need to go out into life and tell everyone what they are doing wrong. You don’t need to go out into life and tell a person they look fat. You don’t need to go out into life and tell someone their life’s work is meaningless. You don’t need to go out in life and ruin the cashier’s day by yelling at them. You don’t need to point out to the quiet person that they are such a loser.  

You don’t need to put that badness in the world. You may be able to forget all these things but the person you did this to might be sitting in their car 14 years later thinking about it. 

A letter to you

Yes, you. 

I know you are in the other side of the screen, so I wanted to write you a letter.

Maybe you woke up today and wanted to stop living.

Maybe today was a bad day and you want to throw in the towel.

Maybe your face is swollen and puffy from those tears.

Maybe whatever demons you fight are winning right now. 

Maybe you’re so quiet but the voices in your mind are screaming “I can’t do this.”

Take a deep breath. Nothing you are feeling now is wrong. I’m not going to tell you it gets better or easier because most of the time it doesn’t. 

But, you are strong. You are a fighter. And between battles, I pray, there is a lull in your pain. 

Some of us go through life bathed in fires. Our pain makes us stronger, but it also means we don’t find much peace. 

But, this too shall pass. Keep fighting. 

And this is why I can’t be responsible for things

Also why I’d probably survive pretty much any massively shitty situation.

Once upon a time I decided to leave my house on a Sunday in search of a monastery to take photos of. 

I like pretty stuff and I dont mind driving a resonible amount of time to look at it. So, I drove to Curchi Monastery. This is what I found.




Also, I found these dogs and they were cute.

Whilst listening to the name of thrones sound track I drove him (btw you should totally listen to it because its magical). I kept thinking to myself “god it would suck if my car broke right now.”

I stopped at the grocery store and got myself a covrigi (#delicious)

I should have known the day was going south when I had trouble counting my money at the grocery store. I don’t know why, but I feel as though it should have been a clue.

I returned to my car and it was doing the thing where it starts and then tuckers out. Usually this happens in the cold but it wasnt particularly cold yesterday. Except this time, the car kept turning off.

Unfortunately, my survival mode kicked in and my brain was yelling very loudly to go the fuck home right now. So I hit the gas and tried to keep my rpms above zero so the car would stay on. The car did not stay on. I pissed off at least for people and almost died at least twice. I finally got to my garage but the car wouldn’t stay running for me to turn into my parking space. Probably a combination of not wanting to ask anyone for help, severe anxiety, and adrenaline helped me decide that I needed to push my car into its space. 

I moved a car in neutral at least five feet while turning it. I’m pretty sure the sounds I was making were close to the sounds you make when you’re reach constipated but don’t want to give up on your poop dreams. 

I’m getting my car fixed tomorrow although it’s seemingly running ok at the moment. Here is what I have learned from this situation:

1. I suck at car stuff and it turns me into an hyperventilating, crazy hulk beast. But just overseas. In America, it’s easier. 

2. Leaving the house was a mistake, but I have to make myself do it anyway. It helps me grow…as a person…or something…

3. Asking for help will always be fucking dreadful

4. You’d be surprised at how much crazy shit you can deal with. And, survive. (This sounds overdramatic – I mean in general not really for this particular situation)

5. A book about my life would be aptly titled “Misadventures: how do I get out of this situation without dying?”

For the bad days

I’ve been experiencing a lot of mental ups and downs lately except the downs are in the depths of glacial hell. 

Because I like lists and I’m in a great mood at the moment (because its pizza day yo) here are some helpful tips when you feel like crawling in a hole or taking up permanent residence in your bed.

1. Pizza is worth sticking around for along with a varied list of food that depends on your personal preference. 

2. You may feel alone, but you aren’t. I guarantee that there is someone out there you probably know who feels as shitty as you do right now. Probably for different reasons, but still solidarity on bad days is important.

3. Animals on the internet are pretty great even if you are sobbing and have snot all over your face. 

4. You are good at a heckin lot of stuff. Like being you. NO ONE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN BE YOU AS GOOD AS YOU.  

5. The demonic life storm cloud is not bigger than you. It feels bigger. It looks bigger. You may get struck by lightning. Or experience a tornado. But, you can totally handle this. Besides, maybe the lightning will bring out your superpowers. 

6. Eventually all the things that got you all twisted up inside will stop feeling as bad. It probably won’t stop completely ever…But a dull ache is usually better than the intense stabbing pains in your chest. 

7. Rainbows, fireworks (minus the noise), shiny things, shoes, cookies, fluffy pillows, fleece blankets, hugs from a designated list of individuals, seashells, dogs and kids are all relatively cool even when you are stuck in a pit of dispair 

Also goats in pajamas

I think that’s all I got right now. So, screw everyone who says you have to be positive and look on the bright side. It’s hard to look on the brightside when you may get struck by proverbial lightning but it may add and extra zing to the pepperoni on your pizza. Sometimes, embracing our pain is the way through it.